A Matter Of Trust

Good Morning my babies! Finally, the sun shines here on Fantasy Island. Apparently MotherNature doesn't remember our conversation of this time last year. You know the one where I grilled her about her reasons for having us miss Spring. Two or three days of sun and slightly warm temperatures do not, I repeat, do not represent Spring. There's still gardening to be done dammit!

And all that must be done before Tuesday. Yes babies, HRG finds herself having to go back to work and not being able to tan her legs AGAIN this year. I've taken a job I don't want. Oh, if TCB would take care of his finances and lump it all into one manageable LOW payment, then having the summer off would happen. You know, like he had a summer off three years ago while I busted my ass to pay the bills. Again the message sent and received is that I am not worth going the extra mile for.

But today, we're going to talk about trust, and what happens when someone takes it, crushes into dust and sends it to the skies.

You see babies, pretty much my whole life has been giving my trust freely, only to have it tossed it aside as easily as I was. After awhile you stop trusting. No matter what, there's always that underlying feeling that you will be betrayed. It's the cornerstone of my commitment issues. Fear and Doubt finally found a slight crack, an unrepaired piece of my heart, and slipped in. Their voices are no longer a whisper that could be ignored. Now they get to scream it and they are. "See HRG? We told you, we tried to warn you, but you locked us out and wouldn't listen and look at what's happened now!"

They're right. I gave my trust freely again and again, well......

You've got this way of turning magic into lust
You take it all for granted and crush in the dust.
I see you looking but you don't even care.....

Thing is, if I hadn't picked up TCB's phone by mistake, I'd have never known. I guess it is true, the wife is always the last to know. But I know now. I can't begin to put into words how much I hurt. I feel that old anger creeping up like vines, choking out any good feelings. Covering the wounds so they will never heal. You see babies, it's always been easier for HRG to show anger than to EVER let anyone know much pain I'm in. To let anyone know how much emotional pain they've caused is something I simply cannot do.

But, HRG, you ask, are you sure?

Yes babies I am. Remember when TCB just had to take the trip back east at a time I absolutely could not go and he didn't want to wait another week so that I could join him? There was a reason he didn't want me to go. She even has a name. Oh, and so does his msn buddy, just an "acquaintance" from a former job he didn't like and one, that according to him, he met no one he wanted to keep in touch with. He lied. I gave him the chance to show that the one here is nothing more than a former co-worker. Introduce me to her, I said. His face went white. I'm guessing he doesn't want to introduce his "acquaintance" to his wife.

I'd hoped writing this all out might help me feel better, but it's not. That sick feeling in my stomach, the taste of betrayal at the back of my throat is there. I can't eat, can't sleep.....

Can't trust.

HRG