A Nite In The Life

...of HRG is never boring....not ever.......

We played a government Christmas party last nite. It was great to score the gig, although HRG knew that her usual stage garb wasn't going to cut it for this. So, yesterday over lunch, I went shopping. It took all of 20 minutes to find the PERFECT dress. Red, slinky, flirty, very *me*. Of course. Would I wear anything else?

So, the nite went like this:

MBF picks me up after work. I have exactly ONE hour to get ready. Deciding on a dress at the last second meant a longer shower, shaving of legs was mandatory.

Exactly ONE HOUR later, MBF is buzzing--it's time to go.

Won't admit this to anyone but you--I was nervous.

Walk into the Marriot Hotel (did I mention this was a classy gig?), jacket wrapped tightly around me. Even MBF hasn't felt the full effect of the dress yet. Nope, I want to make an entrance.

Go upstairs to the room we're playing. Meet the woman who booked us. Tall, young, VERY cute boy is standing beside her. He smiles down at me and says "Nice". Oh yeah.

Speeches finally end (because you know, nothing involving government ever starts on time). Fake our way through the first song--a request that none of us had ever played before. Obviously enough wine was consumed during dinner to loosen up those dancing legs. They're dancing from the first song.

Feel myself start to relax, knowing it's going to be a great time. Hey, with that dress how could it be anything but? MBF is drooling. Married sub-bass player is drooling. Drummer is drooling, but then again, that's what drummers do anyway.

During the second song I scan the crowd and then I see him. The nice (read:boring) Englishman is there! Oh no!!!!! Talk about your proverbial *awkward moment*. MBF knows nothing about the dating thing and doesn't need to. Am shaking inside, wondering what the Englishman's attitude is going to be.

Set one ends. Try to sneak out before he sees me. Hard to do in the red dress, but what the hell, it was worth a try. This is payback. We all know I didn't buy that dress to be unnoticed.

No such luck. He spots me and calls out my name. I want to pretend I didn't hear him, but now he's positioned himself RIGHT BESIDE THE EXIT DOOR. Oh no. There's no escape. Smiling, I slink my way over. Might as well let him see what his stodgy ways *cost* him. Bitchy I know, but......

Then it happens. He introduces me to his date. It went like this:

"HRG! Nice to see you, you look (pause as he fumbles for words that won't piss his date off)
amazing. Great to get a chance to see you play."

(The Englishman glances over at MBF)

"Is that the same guitar player you were telling me about?"

Still smiling, HRG replies:

"Yes, that's my guitar player and MBF"

"And the most important person in your life?"

Don't know what he read into my smile and nod, but it was enough for him to very cattily add:

"It's so blatantly obvious that's him..."

Deftly changing the subject, I turn on the charm and ask to be introduced to his date (who is looking very uncomfortable and a little unhappy by now). And then he committed the ultimate faux pas.....

"HRG, I'd like you to meet HRG" We don't share the same first name by a long shot.

Sexy red dress: $38.00
Black stilettoes: $35
Look on the Englishman's date's face: Priceless

Who knew an awkward silence could last SO long? He went home early, she went home with a young, very cute boy. Atta girl.

There were many cute boys of all ages to flirt publicly with, the food was great, the pay good, the Deputy Minister tipped us $100. His Aide fell all over herself to stress it was his own money and didn't come from public coffers. Since technically part of his paycheque comes from the taxes I pay...well, you get the point. Regardless, we walked out of there adored, well fed, well paid and looking forward to the bookings that will come from this.

Right now I have to go kill the cat. Why does she think the table is a Lucy place? She's grey and fluffy. About the size of a pair of mittens.....

HRG

I Should Be Doing Laundry

Since it's early Saturday morning and apparently that's what hot single girls do--their laundry. I have to admit, it's better to wake up alone by choice now. JTCB (who we shall from this day on, refer to as the RockStar) has been calling. Missed his call last nite though--decided to hang out with MBF for awhile. Good thing I have cute boys around to feed me or I'd starve to death. Although you know, it's been awhile since DTVCB has taken me to lunch. I need to eat more than once a day. HINT HINT

So....I could whine about the love life. Instead I'll tell you about the new shoes I scored at Winner's. (yeah, you should go) They are AMAZING. Anyone who knows me even a little knows it's all about the shoes baby. They are the most incredibly sexy pair I have ever owned. Seriously. TBF spotted them first, grabbed them in my size (he can't remember my birthday but knows my shoe size--go figure) and insisted that I buy them. For once I'm glad I listened to him. Took them for a test drive this week. A very successful test drive. Good thing I keep those cute little wipes in my bag. Came in handy getting the drool off my fresh pedicure. They are stilettos (of course), very thin 4" heel, thin straps and have these cool silver jewelled snakes that curves down the top of each foot. Oh and the snakes have black jewelled eyes. They are going to wow 'em at the next gig when I partner them with a very short, black skirt and 80's style crop top. Now that I've lost a little weight and have been actually working on the abs, I can pull it off. Or maybe I can find a cute boy to pull them off for me. Somehow I don't think that will be a problem. Cute boys are everywhere these days, and HRG has her pick. Eenie, meenie, miney, moe....

Speaking of cute boys (and aren't I always?) I think I'll putter around here, tidy up my *cute* little apartment and decide which cute boy I should have for dinner tonite. Er, I mean, over for dinner tonite.

I wish it could be HTBP........

HRG

Ahhhhh

I needed that........

HRG

Octopus's Garden

Well babies, my life is nothing if not interesting. Where to begin, where to begin?

When we last left HRG, she was waxing ecstatic about The Teacher. He really is a cute boy--too bad he's on octopus. He was all over me and then confused about my silence. Yeah, coz I'm going to get into a game of tonsil hockey with someone I met an HOUR ago. He's cute, funny and smart, all the things I like in a man. That he expected I'd sleep with him an hour after meeting him automatically dismisses all the brownie points. Is it me? Do I give out some kind of vibe? In my profile I wrote that I wasn't one of those *clingy* types. Is that Man-Speak for *easy lay*? What I meant is that I don't have the need to be with someone 24/7. I have my own life, they should have theirs, but we can make time to do things together. Looks like The Teacher and I just wanted to do different things. Very different things. Gawd, can you believe he actually walked me to the (front) door and waited expectantly for me to ask him to come upstairs? Sigh.

HRG got semi-tarted up and went out alone to see HTBP play on Saturday nite. Ok, so I got completely tarted up. Oddly enough, everyone asked where MBF was when I came in. There's some general assumption that he and I are, well, doing what you know we're not. Had fun, danced my ass off all nite, fought off a very drunk Newfie who figured that the "yes" to a dance also meant yes to being groped. What is it with men anyway? Geez. Still, had a good time, HTBP drove me home. No, he didn't wait to get asked up. Ran into him the next day. He was with his girlfriend. I'd forgotten how pretty she is. And then I felt it. Seeing them together helped. The crush is starting to fade, and I can move on. I'm sure the sound of his voice will always make my heart skip a beat--that I'll always be a little semi-mental wondering what might've been, but you know, DTVCB is right. (I'm sure I'll hear about that one) Pursuing this *crush* was holding me back from moving on.

Last nite HRG was bestowed with the softest, sweetest kiss she's had in 6 years. No groping involved, just wonderful kisses. It was amazing. I'd forgotten what it felt like to melt in a man's arms. And in twist of fate his name does not begin with the letter K. We'll call him JTCB. I don't know what, if anything, this is or will be. All I know is that I'm up for the ride.

He is, after all, a very cute boy......

HRG

These Are the Ks Of My Life

I wonder if The Fates have stalled me at the letter K in the alphabet. Seems that with the exception of one, all the cute boys in my life lately have had names that start with that letter.

Including the new one.

I can hear you cueing up the music, after all "he's a cute boy but he's not for me" has been my theme song for months. Back slowly away from the cd player and sit down 'coz I have something to confess. There's no music to be played this time. HRG met a cute boy and well, he's pretty awesome. And very cute. We'll just refer to him as The Teacher (TT) We met through the personals, and even though there was no picture of him, something in the message he sent intrigued me. Enough to reply, which I almost never do. The last couple of "cute boys" met there turned out not to be very cute, and I was getting fed up with the whole thing. I'm already selective (ok picky) enough, and no, I don't answer every message. But this guy.....

Friday nite was spent on the phone, for two hours, with a man I'd never seen. I went to bed with a big smile on my face. Of course my jaded side was thinking he has to be a troll because the conversation was too good to be true. There was no lull, we laughed, it felt like I'd known him for years. But still, I hadn't seen him, so he could quite possibly be a Troll. Then yesterday he stopped by the store. He is so not a Troll, is a VERY cute boy, and the attraction was immediate and mutual. In fact, the phone was ringing when I got in the door from work. It was The Teacher. He wanted to know if I'd felt the same spark. He's very smart, funny, well read, knows music AND can tune a guitar. The Teacher has very definite possibilities.

Last nite was very interesting too, but it's a story for later on today. For now, I must shower and get ready to see J.

The sun is shining and suddenly the world seems full of promise.....

HRG

Not Feeling Groovy Today

You know, I'd fully intended on sitting down tonite, catching all, er, I mean both of you up with the goings on here in GroovyVille.

It's said the road to hell is paved with good intentions though, and suddenly it all seems so unimportant......

Tonite I got such sad news. To know the heart of the man who had to tell me was broken into a bajillion pieces made it worse. To lose his first born, his only son--I can't imagine the pain he must be feeling. To lose him to drugs only deepens his sadness.

Bill Davies was the first cute boy I ever took a bath with--at the ripe old age of 1. Friday October 14 he had his last hit and took his last breath. *Super Soldier* is gone, leaving two children, his father, sister and step mother. All of whom are struggling to make sense out of all this. Thing is, there is no sense in this. Another junkie died is how people will look at it. They don't stop to think that despite their addiction, they were loved. They had families, lives that meant something once.

It also meant having to call my Dad and tell him. Our families have been friends for almost 50 years. This was such hard news to break. It's one of the few times I can recall my father crying.

This is too hard to write about right now. Sometimes even HRG just can't find the right words.

HRG

You know.....

I've played Have You Ever Needed Someone (So Bad) so many times that I'll have to start paying Def Leopard royalties pretty soon.

Maybe lunch with a DTVCB will help provide some insight into just how to shake this *crush* 'coz I'm not doing a very good job of it on my own.

Sigh......

BUT the sun is shining, HRG feels more like herself than she did last week, AND I made another coffee date. The Englishman seems a little put off that I had to cancel for last week, twice, but honestly babies, I was sick and would've been lousy company.

For now tho, it's time to get ready for lunch--seafood club sandwiches from our favorite *rural* place.

And more on coffee later.......

HRG

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

Babies, I've been reminded that it's been a little too quiet here in GroovyVille lately. It's not that nothing's been going on--much has been happening--it's just that, well, I've been bored and little sad. Sad at my own life, but mostly sad for the things that have happened to people I care about. A good friend who has just lost her 4 legged best friend and is beyond devastated--another, an old friend, who is facing losing a parent to a terminal illness. The *old* friend is a former friend, but all the same, her Mum was more of a mother to me than my own ever had been, especially at a time in my life when I needed the caring and firm guidance.

Thing is, just over a year ago, I had a very bad prophetic dream about her Mum. It rattled me enough to ask others to make inquiries just to see how she was doing. They all said she was fine, but the feeling wouldn't go away. A year later it turns out she's not fine after all, and the illness is in the part of the body that I saw so clearly. It makes me so sad. I know how OF is feeling--she's already lost one parent and to lose the other.....

Onto other things....

The HTBP saga continues to be, well, not much of anything. Meanwhile I am so hung up on him that it's sad. Too hung up on someone I can't have can't be healthy, can it? I just like him SO much. Suggestions as to how to get un hung up on him would be welcome. And encouraged.

Went on an actual date with an Englishman I met through the on-line personals. Nice man. Not for me though. (ooh there's that same old song playing again) Met for coffee, agreed to go to dinner. Dinner was nice, although the restaurant was highly over-rated. A quick goodnite kiss at the door, which wasn't much of a kiss at all, and there it was. That flashing neon sign that only HRG can see. The one that screams "NO CHEMISTRY HERE--MOVE ALONG". I did agree to go to a movie tonite with him. Now I'm sitting here wondering how to get out of it. I really don't want to go. Thing is, I had to cancel a coffee date with him for last Thursday because babies, HRG was sick sick sick. I could barely make it through work let alone make it through a coffee date in a noisy pub. All I wanted to do was curl up and sleep for a week. I'll figure it out.

Ah but HRG you ask, how was coffee with CB#1? It was....ok. That said, I did turn down any future meetings because he reminded me of J's dad! In looks, mannerisms, even speech. Since J is a mini version of his father, it would've been too weird. That and CB#1 is unemployed and that, babies, is the deal breaker for me. I'm tired of dating/living with/marrying men who are a financial drain on HRG's financial resources. I stretched the truth and told him that TBF and I were getting back together and wished him well. It seemed like the nice thing to do.

Had a talk with MBF since the last post. He said he recognized the issues and was willing to do just about anything to fix this. He apologized for always making everything about him and for not listening when I was trying to talk about things that were important to me. I want to believe he's sincere, but I also know that you can't make a leopard change it's spots. Watched a hockey game with him last nite. He talked through almost the entire thing. All I wanted to do was WATCH THE GODDAMNED GAME, and he wouldn't shut up. Talk during commercials if you have to, or when there's a lull and no action on the ice, but really, I don't care about who played what position for the 1973 Flyers. Eventually I tuned him out and concentrated on the game, but did miss a couple of plays and important calls. He just doesn't seem to get it.

To tell you the truth, I'm feeling sad, and yes, a little sorry for myself this weekend. It's Thanksgiving here, and HRG has nowhere to go. For the first time in years and years, there's no Thanksgiving dinner for moi, and even though I blew it off and even decided to work to give a staff member the day off to spend with her family, I'd hoped someone would invite me for dinner somewhere. I feel like a lonely old lady with just her cats for company. How sad is that?
No word at all from J, although I hear through the grapevine that he has a job now. I don't know for sure because he has zero contact with me at all. And here I was thinking all this time that he and I had such a good relationship. Apparently not. It hurts. Of course I'd never admit that.

Know what? I think I'll take my feeling-sorry-for-myself-ass away from the puter and concentrate on cleaning house. Maybe that'll help. At the very least, it'll make me forget things for awhile.

HRG

Sunny Saturdays and Cute Boys

What can I say? Lunch was, of course, wonderful. LSD is always such good company and I do love our lunches. Cute boy #1 was cute and nice. Agreed to meet him again for coffee. Cute Boy #2 was very nice, older than he said on his profile, but then again, so am I so......

We're going to dinner at Pescatores next Saturday nite. And yes, he has a Jag. It's a very nice car. HRG will be buying something new to wear to dinner. Wow, a dress up dinner with a cute and nice boy who, I bet, won't complain about the cost of the meal. What a refreshing change.

Oh, and while I was having coffee with CB#1, I felt someone watching. I look up and there he is. HTBP. My heart skipped a beat. He looked a little surprised to see me obviously out on a date.
Then he invited me to watch his other band play tonite. I think I'll go. Let him see what he's missing.....

All in all babies, it was a very good day.

HRG

Robert Plant

Was very very good--the opening band The Trews were AMAZING!! Don't download their cd babies. Buy it! It was really great to see first hand Mr. Plant's lack of ego. So many *headliners* refuse to allow their opening acts to put on a show. I've lost count of how many great bands I've seen open for the *stars* who were forced to play with no soundman, the house lights still up, people milling around--their only interest finding their seat. The Trews are great band, put on a terrific show and really got us warmed up for RP.

We had the most awesome seats too! Box seats meant a more or less private box with bar service. So if you ever wondered where the elevators at the new arena go to, now you know. They lead upstairs to the suites. The only drawback to that was missing the energy from the peons in the shitty seats below. Managed to get very stoned--smoke rises. And man, was the smoke ever rising. The no-smoking rule here applies only to cigarettes and not to our largest cash crop. Cool. Still, he was very good, the new arrangements of Zep tunes were fresh and interesting, his band fabulous! He's not much of a performer anymore tho--gone was the strutting and posing of his younger days. By and large he's still got his chops and even managed to hit *that* note--once, during the encore. Considering it was the last nite of his tour, he still gave a stellar performance. No doubt one of the *music critics* from our local rag The Crimes Communist will rip him to shreds. They always do. I'm glad we went.

MBF was *courting* me. I'm not interested. We can be friends, but that's all. It's not the same now. Yesterday was the first day I'd seen him since he got back. Considering we live in the same building, I think I did a good job in avoiding him. He picked me up from work yesterday and as soon as I saw him, I knew. It just didn't feel the same. I'm trying babies, I just can't seem to get past what happened. To his credit, he didn't insist on driving the 6 blocks to the arena, we actually walked. It was a nice nite, warm enough to not need anything heavier than my long black lace jacket. One stop for a soda and then home. By 11. MBF was dispatched to his own place by 11:15. To have invited him in for anything more than to say hello to the *kids* would've been dishonest. I won't lead him on. That wouldn't be fair. Not that anything would've happened anyways........

In other news, today is *Cute Boy Day* for HRG. Three dates in one day. Oooooohhhhh. Lunch with a very cute boy first, then a haircut, then coffee with one cute boy, followed by coffee with another cute boy. Separate locations of course. I'm not that good at juggling. The second coffee date seems promising, guess we'll find out. HRG is a little nervous babies--this will be the first dates I've accepted from the personals site. An update on that whole thing is something I'll save for another post. Enough to say that there are some VERY strange men out there. And they know how to type. It's scary.

But that's definitely a story for another day........

HRG

Wrestling with my conscience

You know babies, here I am wrestling with my conscience when I'd much rather be wrestling with a cute boy.

So...do I take MBF to see Robert Plant? Or do I take someone else? I know how incredibly hurt he'd be if he found out I'd gone and not taken him. Despite what happened, he's been MBF for 6 years. To not take him would be so wrong. But honestly, I don't want to go with him. I really don't. I'll have to endure the play by play--it's irritating when MBF feels it necessary to explain every......little.......thing......over and over and over and over. You know, because obviously I'm not bright enough to get it the first time, and really, why hear yourself speak once, when you can listen to the sound of your own voice again and again. Still, it would be hurtful not to ask him.

Actually, thinking about it, going to a concert just might be the right place to start the healing and let the friendship return. We've been through worse spats than this and survived--we'll weather this storm too.

Went to a seminar today to learn how to be The Ultimate Supervisor. Oooohhhhh. It was quite fun, very informative and yes, not to disappoint, HRG met several VERY cute boys. One I hope will stop by store and say hi. He's been in before, I recognized him right away. He was my partner in some role-playing exercises. No sillies, not *that* kind of role playing. Although, you know, he is very cute and has these incredibly sexy green eyes. Of course, he's probably married or partnered up--seems that's the only kind of guy I'm attracted to these days.

Do you think I have a problem with commitment?

HRG

The waiting is the hardest part

Patience seems so gianormous sometimes, doesn't it? Especially when you're willing the next 6 days to pass by at light speed. Why would HRG want to speed up time instead of turning it back? Because babies.....I'M GOING TO SEE ROBERT PLANT next Friday nite!!!!!! BOX seats no less. Of course, if something seems to good to be true, it usually is, and there is a string attached. Not just a string, more like a rope....with a noose at the end of it.

The invitation was extended to HRG and MBF........

Oh. Gawd.

HRG

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Ahhhh babies, I'm back! The trip home didn't seem to take all that long. Of course had I not had to wait for a bus and then a ferry, it would've been shorter. Our *national* airline could not get me back to Fantasy Island. Actually, it turned out alright. It's been longer than I'll admit to since I've been on the ferry and now that they have Starbucks, the trip was bearable. It was a beautiful ride. The bus trip from the airport to the ferry was all that much nicer thanks to the very cute boy who sat beside me. Well read, funny and, well, cute. No, I didn't get his name or number. HRG is taking a bit of break right now. Stop laughing, seriously, I am.

Despite the weirdness of MBF (and there's no need to go into that again....) my summer vacation was alright. MBF's birthday party was a good time. Impressed his friends, except for one. He was a jerk. Former musician who now sells used cars. That should explain it. I've met his cousin, a REALLY famous musician. She's much nicer than he is. Despite the jerk, a good time was had by all, even if it rained for the first time in almost a month. Left the house with fabulous, perfectly straight hair. Arrived at The Groove with, well, 80s hair. It was gianormous. Couldn't find an elastic to tie the worst of it back. Wait, there's party hats. With elastic. Any port in a storm....

Next nite went to the Foundation in a town near where HRG spent her formative years. Met friends there. It was wonderful. Rocked our asses off with two former school mates and the drummer from another used-to-be-famous band. He, however, is a really nice guy. Here's a Time-Life co-incidence for you: bass player, (who I went to school with but despite my reknown for never forgetting a face I can't seem to remember his) has the same first name as HTBP. He is also a very cute boy. I'll have to ask him if the bruise on his chin has faded. It hit the floor when we were re-introduced. Much fun was had, HRG basked in the glow of adoration, strutted and sang her ass off. I love the room and the stage has so much positive energy on it that I'd love to play it again. MBF was sulky and jealous. Tough. That nite was about some other than him. Life's like that sometimes. Suck it up. Will definitely stay in touch with HTBP2. He's 3500 miles away. That makes it safe.

The next two days were pretty awful. MBF's folks have the most adorable little dog. Her name is Pearl. Thanks to her and that pretty cool *braille* shirt, I met a cute boy while walking her. Turned down his invitation to dinner. (see? I'm learning) Hung out with friends for a couple of days after that. We won't discuss MBF's behaviour.

Last day was spent on a Harley! Yup, the ride finally happened. It was amazing. BTCB and I are old friends and he knows me so well. The first place he took me was to the beach. Water! No tanning for HRG tho', a break to chat and skip some stones and we were back on the bike. Toured around, stopped for coffee and then off to see some of his friends. The day was so warm, hanging out with BTCB relaxing, then the sun started to go down.

BTCB:

"HRG, did you bring a jacket?"

HRG:

"No. It won't be that cold."

BTCB:

"Here, take mine" Slips it on HRG who immediately collapses from the weight.

HRG:

"Seriously, this shirt and thin windbreaker will be fine"

BTCB:

"Wear the jacket"

We jump on the bike and ride off into the sunset together. There's irony for you. The fairy tale ending, and it's with someone who is really just a friend.

Halfway back and I'm so glad to have the jacket. It's freezing. Feel a momentary twinge of guilt. Until I realize that I can't feel my lips, then I'm just grateful. Still, it was the perfect way to end my vacation. Except now I can't get the song Motorcycle Mama out of my head. Aaaauurrgghhhhhh. Why is it that only bad songs get stuck in there?

Spend a sleepless nite hoping that MBF will be at least coherent enough to get me to the airport. He was. Barely. Grabbed my suitcase and was out of the van before it had come to a complete stop. Wave good-bye. Run into the airport and there it is. A pure gentle white light surrounds it like a halo. A choir of Angels sings "hallelujah". I walk toward the light. The most wonderful aroma wafts through the air. Could it really be Manna from Heaven or am I so over-tired that I'm having hallucinations? An Angel smiles at me and says the magic words:

"Good Morning. Welcome to Starbucks....."

HRG

In dreams

Ok, so it didn't happen exactly like in the dream, and really kinda hasn't really happened yet, but.....after two very difficult days with MBF, on the drive here (visiting friends for a couple of days) he apologizes for being so incredibly *krusty* and then starts with *the* talk. The one that scares the hell out of me. You know which one babies. The one in which the *M* word is mentioned, many many times.

A year ago wasn't I stuck in a dead relationship and wanting to be with MBF? Why now that it's tangible, that the thing actually might happen, the words said, the question asked, why am I scared to death? Why do I know now that this is exactly what I don't want? Why would I be making coffee, dinner, and yes even a Harley date with cute boys if I knew MBF was really *the* guy for me?

Sigh.....there is no easy answer here....

That said, I'm visiting friends for a couple of days respite. Midge (I can use a whole name here 'coz it's her nickname, therefore acceptable) and I have been friends for what feels like forever. Got to see her for a short while the last time I was here, but it wasn't for long enough. Turns out she had an appointment this afternoon that couldn't be cancelled. So, she saw my stress, fed me advil liqui-gels and coffee, ran a hot bubble bath, lit candles, brought out a *treat* her hubby so thoughtfully rolled, er, I mean, left for me, and said she'd be back later. Ahhhhhh. Only your oldest friends can look at you and just know what you need. It's hard for HRG to let someone take care of her, she can do things for herself thankyouverymuch, but you know babies, today there was no arguing. Midge knew just what to do to help me pass the time. I really do feel better. Relaxed for the first time in a week. Wow.

The trip goes well, mostly. Despite my whining, it hasn't been all that bad. I've met some great people, including several cute boys (of course--it is my vacation you know) and have that Harley ride to look forward to.

I have a feeling Monday's lunch will be long and hilarious. I hope it's a nice day. What am I saying? I'll be home, having lunch with a very cute boy. It'll be a nice day.

HRG

Getting rid of the spam

...also means it might be difficult to post a reply now. Goddamn spammers.

Feeling kind of out of sorts today, sad, even tho I promised myself I wouldn't let this get to me, well, I still do. Why does it bother me so much to hear that what happened with this other woman meant *nothing*, yet here we are, five months later, MBF swearing up and down that he loves me and wants a life with me, and still......nothing.....

What bothers me is that I can't figure out why this bothers me so much. Funny thing, the old ego gets fed and all it takes to bring up all those feelings of inadequacy is the rejection I feel from MBF. There's a great line from a really old song--"you can't have it both ways, it's no way to live, you've done all the taking, it's your turn to give".

Despite being so close to MBF for all these years, I'm finally seeing him for who and what he is. For all his talk, when you get down to it, the only person he really cares about is himself. Everything is fine as long as it's all about him. Even last nite, when I was feeling so great after playing so well, the talk all the way back was about how it made HIM feel. How well HE played. With the perfunctory "you sounded great as usual" tossed in, but with no real feeling. I'm not sure why he is that way, and yes babies, I realize that it's kind of, well, sick, that I allow myself to put in this position. In a few short days tho, I'll be back home, able to separate it all again. I've already started the letting go--seems I've had to do alot of that this year--but in my heart, I know it's for the best. It'd be so nice to someday hear that I actually matter to someone.

Ok, enough--the rain is making me semi-mental and stupid. I will get over it. I will stop whining.

Besides, there are many cute boys here and a Harley ride to look forward to. At least that's something, right? Right?

HRG

Spam spam spam spam

Holy Crap--11 posted replies to the last post, all of them garbage. Had to know it was a matter of time before the morons figured that out. Of course, they figured it out before I thought they would, so maybe they're slightly retarded morons. With too much time on their hands.

So far, dear readers (get well vibes to Mystery Mama), this trip has been pretty cool. Have more than met my share of cute boys. MBF's party was a success, much fun, and alcohol, was had by almost all. MBF finally drifted off around 5 a.m., a contented smile on his face.

And now I've seen how happy and relaxed he is here. He's been incredibly attentive, and yes, even PUBLICLY attentive. He's introduced me to everyone as his *girlfriend* which I'm not quite sure about, but you know, if it makes him feel better, then really, who am I to argue?

What can't be argued now is the importance of MBF coming *home*. He has little time left with his Mum, he must be here. These times will be become so incredibly precious to him, he's been a given the rare gift of time. To refuse it could only ultimately lead to resentment. He says differently, but I know if the situation were reversed, I'd be coming back in a heartbeat. Right now his folks need him more than I do.

Of course all this makes me wonder if the public displays of affection are for show or to make the separation easier. All this is made that much harder to understand given that at his party, I met a girl MBF had talked about three years ago. A twinge of jealousy yes, although to his credit , MBF did head her off at the pass, made clear his feelings about *us*, and she was actually quite sweet. She backed off right away which was cool, and she didn't play the hey-she's-not-looking game. What does make this so unsettling is I know he *hooked up* with her back then. He still won't *hook up* with me. But I guess in a little while it won't much matter anymore, so there's no use in getting my knickers in a knot. Hey, I'm learning.

There are many more stories to tell, and more waiting to be told. Stories about music, and motorcycles. Both involving very cute boys.

And a tour on a Harley. Life is good.

HRG

Once again, my bags are packed

But I'm not quite ready to go. A few more *last minute* things into the suitcase and then it's zoom zoom zoom off we go. Destination? Why the Centre of the Universe of course. Fitting that would be where MBF would want to be. All life as we know it revolves around him.

I'm not really looking forward to this holiday. Oh I was, but, it feels different now. Or maybe it's because I feel different about MBF than I have over the past 6 years. Now that the blush is off the rose, I realize that he is so self-absorbed that he just doesn't see, or doesn't care to see, that others have feelings and maybe even (gasp!) intelligent opinions to offer up. However, I will play out the charade and make my escape to see my old friends for a few days. That's the one part of this trip I'm looking forward to. The party for MBF's big b/day will be a huge success, but knowing him, well, he'll find something to complain about. Somehow, no matter what we do, it won't be enough. I lived with that for all those years with TBF, I won't live with it for the rest of my life. Gawd, here's hoping that something I dreamt doesn't come true.....

Of course there are upsides to this trip. Lunch with a cute boy who I'll be buying product for the store from. Old friends who thought I looked great the last time will be amazed at the *new* me. The last time I saw them was just after I'd finished treatment and was getting better. Well babies, I'm better now. Might as well dazzle them with my incredible grooviness. MBF's party will be filled with many cute boys--musicians to boot. A chance to hook up with an old flame. Time spent wandering Kensington Market and some groovy boutiques in East York. That and a trip to the place where I spent my teens. That outta be interesting. To say the least.

But for now, I must finish up around here. The cab will be here at 10:15. I will get through this, with a smile on my face.

And the Oscar goes to...........

HRG

Sometimes She Cries

The title of my new favorite *old* song. One of those tunes that really hits close to home. Too close sometimes. I wonder, is it just musicians who live through songs? If music can calm the savage beast, why can it make you so sad?

Once again I find myself spinning my wheels, wondering where the hell I'm going. The Fates have shown me two possible futures. Which do I choose? There's no easy answer here. Either choice still comes with it's own set of problems, and I've never been particularly good at math.

But onto other things babies. HRG's first buying trip was actually enjoyable. I loved every minute of the very long days. So much to see, so much to consider, so many pretty and shiny things to buy. With someone else's money. We spent the first three days at the Congress Centre. Holy crap. It's gianormous! Half a million square feet. Seriously. I wasn't tired until reading the marquee and realized that we walked half....a....million....square....feet....everyday.
Wanna bet I'm the only person who quit smoking and lost weight? All that walking. And shopping.

Of course, me being me, no trip would be complete without having met and flirted with several very cute boys. One of whom I have a "business lunch" date with next week. I'll be in the same town, might as well check out the showroom, write part of the trip off and bask in the attention of a very cute boy. A very cute boy who'll be buying lunch. He'll be a nice distraction. These days HRG needs all the distraction she can get.

These days I'd almost say yes to a walk by the water.

I must be losing my mind.

HRG

Spam spam everywhere

....and it's not the Monty Python kind. Sigh. Had to set the bottom post to accept no replies. But HRG you wail, how will I reply to that post? Well babies, until I figure out how to block people....can you believe there was a reply to the My Bags Are Packed post and that it was SPAM??!!! Grrrrrr......

I'm back, lunched out and caught up and ready to face the world again. The trip was good, but very long and HRG got no time alone at all. She did however, give up the demon cigarettes in favor of the occasional cigar. Yup. I did it. Already I notice the change in my skin, and the change in my singing voice was obvious at the gig on the weekend. It's hard, but I know I made the right decision.

Speaking of decisions...seems like one has been made for me. MBF is going back. I don't know when, but as of midnite, that was his intention......

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Just like I'm not sure how I feel about the two wonderful kisses that happened at the gig, except to say I've been floating on air ever since. HTBP has the most wonderful kiss. Now I'm liking him even more....

What's a confused HRG to do?

HRG

My Bags Are packed

...and I'm ready to go. Sort of. Here's hoping I don't forget to pack the stuff I'll need to use before I leave. I've done that before. I need a personal assistant to do these things for me. a cute boy of course. Are there any other kind?

Cute boys continue to be the bane of HRG's existence. I'm mad about one cute boy in particular, but of course he's in the process of getting untangled, therefore, off limits. For the time being anyway. But geez babies, I really do like this guy. Probably too much.

But I digress. Really I'd just wanted to remind you all that I'll be away until late next week. My first buying trip. Shopping with someone else's money. I've died and gone to HRG heaven. I hope they have cute boys there.

What am I saying? It's my heaven, of course the boys are cute. And available. Hey, if you're gonna dream it, dream it big.

HRG

I wonder

Does putting butter on low fat popcorn defeat the purpose?

HRG

They do exist

Know what I found out? There is a man with a conscience on the face of the earth! Called Ripley's to report this. They told me to stop smoking drugs and that with help, everything will be alright. The Vatican promises to investigate this as a bona fide miracle. It isn't enough that I have to actually LIKE this guy, now I find myself respecting him too. Sigh. Figures, I'd find myself falling for a cute boy who happens to be partnered up. Life would be boring without the complications. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Let's add yet another cute boy to my *just friends* list.

Aren't there any cute boys out there who want to be more than just friends?

HRG

Losing My Edge?

Oh babies, can it be happening? Is HRG really losing her je ne c'est quoi? Even the personals have flattened out. Not one message. Not one hint of interest. Would it make a difference if I put my picture up there? I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm scared to death someone will see the picture and recognize me. Of course, I could, in my charming way, manage to joke my way out of it.

It's almost August. Summer is half over and it's only been a week! The rest of the continent is experiencing heat waves like they've never seen, and we've been freezing our collective asses off here on Fantasy Island. All the cute boys I promised myself I'd terrorize have yet to materialize. How can the time slip by so fast? (sorry Mystery Mama--glitch aside, it honestly only felt like days, not weeks....)

In spite of the heat, work has been busy busy busy. My first major *event* was last week and fortunately it went off without a hitch. The days leading up to it were a nightmare. The owner was in the foulest of moods and as always, we wore it. Somehow we muddled through though.
My first business trip looms. We leave a week from Saturday. I'm so excited about this. Seriously, how bad can it be shopping with someone else's money? Raising J. taught me the importance of budgeting and spending wisely. Now I get to do it with someone else's money. I've died and gone to HRG heaven.

What else has been going on? Hmmmmm....we played some gigs that were fun, HTBP asked me to come and sit in with his other band on Friday nite. I got sick, missed work and couldn't go. A very cute boy brought me a copy of the most awesome concert. The gift was thoughtful and very much appreciated. Next day we went to lunch to celebrate my feeling better. My new favorite restaurant at the Inner Harbor, sunshine, good company (with our usual fabulous talks!) and even a few cute boys to sneak peeks at. Sunday at the beach wrapped the weekend up rather nicely thankyouverymuch. Spent most of the day on my floaty thing at Gordon Bay. Y'all know how much I love my floaty thing. The subsequent sunburn was worth it. Hey, today my legs stopped stinging and everything!

Oh I learned that mixing the beach, hot tanning oil and one's ex can be a very dangerous thing.

But that's a story for another day......

HRG

Summer's finally here!

And of course, HRG is stuck indoors all day....sigh......Saturday feels like it will never get here. Oh, and this weekend will be spent lazing on a beach, somewhere, anywhere. HRG needs sun and sand to soothe her soul. I need it in a big way.

The gig went well. Several very cute boys drooled, one even bought me a drink--which only served to piss MBF off. After all this time, I'm seeing sides of him I've never seen before. Some of the newness is sweet, some of it I could do without. It all comes down to his either wanting the whole package or not. I have no doubt he cares, but there are issues, his issues, BIG issues.

Oh....my......gawd.....that's it. MBF is my Mr. Big. Neither of us really able to completely commit to the other, but at the same time, never being able to leave each other either.

I need to eat another popsicle and think about that awhile......

HRG

Peggy Hughes

My Aunt Peg passed away Thursday nite. The Fates were kind enough to take her in her sleep, and she didn't suffer. The last days of her life were spent with family, quiet moments with each, saying her I Love You's and sadly, goodbyes. She was a strong, loving woman who never faltered in her loyalty to her family. My cousin Joan tells me Peg was more a mother to her than her own ever was. That is was Peg who, with kindness and understanding, gently nudged her in the right direction when she strayed and got lost.

There you go babies, for someone who always seem to have something to say, words just won't come.

HRG

HTBP

...makes me feel 16 again........

Good rehearsal, when we had the studio to ourselves for a minute, the *crush* was acknowledged as being VERY mutual. It was hot hot hot in there, and I'm not talking music babies. I can promise that Saturday nite's gig will be very hot--come down to the show and watch the sparks fly.

Dilemma: HTBP is a very cute and very nice boy--I think I actually like this guy.......

Help!

HRG

Monday's Musings

(we bring a message from an important sponsor: Mystery Mama, no worries ok?)

Hope everyone's weekend was fun. HRG spent all day Saturday feeling very sorry for herself. Managed to sleep (instead of eat) the day away which messed up my sleep schedule big time. That said, I was wide awake enough to take tons of time to straighten my hair and ended up having the most spectacular hair day yesterday. Until the rain started to fall, but that's a little later on. Things with MBF (and the acknowledged mutual crush on HTBP) remain as weird as usual. So, let's talk about other stuff.

Thanks to the encouragement of a very cute boy, I managed to drag my sorry ass (and fabulous hair!) out of the house and went for a walk. It's sunny, warm and I feel my spirits rise. Along the way, a somewhat cute boy asks me for directions to the Inner Harbor. Since I'm headed in that direction anway, HRG assumes the role of the very chatty tour guide. Poor guy must've thought I was psychotic, babbling away like an idiot. Thing is, sometimes BC's Best makes me a little too animated. He must've been relieved to make his escape. Not that I blame him. Still, he was a very nice, if only SWCB. From another province, far, far away.

Still I saunter on, breathing in the warm air, basking in the sun, determined to enjoy this day no matter what. And that, babies, is exactly what I did. There was a car show, and even HRG who truly isn't into cars, has to admit that there were some freakin' hot wheels there. Bought another Goddess print, a large Americano , then wandered over to the lawns of the Legislature to listen to That 70s Band. They rock!!! The lead singer is a VERY VERY cute boy. I believe an introduction is in order. Purely professional of course. One vocalist meeting another. Since we play 80s rock, maybe we could co-headline a show one nite. All of it purely professional of course. Ran into someone I've known casually for about 11 years. She's pretty cool, single after a nasty break up and definitely someone to go cougaring with. Since she's a single girl and her first name begins with the letter G, we'll call her SGG. She had a friend with her, also single, and we all hit it off like gangbusters. Friend and I discussed (and mostly cussed) the world of on-line dating. We were rolling with laughter. Yup, no doubt about it, these are two women I could go out and terrorize the town with.

The rain started. A sprinkle here and there at first. At first. By the time we reached the car (friend very thoughtfully offered a ride), the perfect hair day was no more, and it was time to go home. Still, it turned out to be a great and very fun day, filled with laughter, new friends and several very cute boys.

Time to disprove the rumors that HRG lives on heated up canned soup, and eat a meal which she actually (gasp!) made and cooked herself.

Question: I need a new hobby. Any suggestions? I hear belly dancing is a lot of fun.

HRG

Late wishes and stuff

A very public late Happy Birthday to a certain Lipslut I know--a birthday lunch awaits!

Let the kitten (ok, cougar) out of her cage the other nite. Didn't accomplish much except the realization that MBF is very jealous of HTBP. Part of me is secretly pleased, the other part of me could care less. It's the same thing--nothing ever changes. It's all about him and his timeline, the way he thinks things should go, nevermind how I feel.....

I'm feeling pretty lonely and a little cranky. Lucy-kitty's heat cycle has ended. HRG's on the other hand has not........

I need fresh air and adoring cute boys.

HRG

Sometimes I Just Don't Understand

Whether I lived with him for 5 years or not, I still do not understand TBF. Suddenly the endless phone calls, the stalking.....all the things I didn't think he'd ever do have been happening. And between you and me babies, I don't like it one bit. HE broke up with HRG--now he's denying it, saying things like "I didn't know we were broken up, I thought we were just having *problems*". This after he'd told everyone but me that we'd split up. TB is gone (and in foster care as this is being written) and now he thinks we can just go back to where we were? It is my hope that everyone doesn't think I'm as stupid as TBF obviously does.

Oh well, I never said my life wasn't interesting.

And speaking of, it's jam nite. Time to get all tarted up and make cute boys drool. Yes, HTBP is on the top of HRG's "Cute Boys To Tease and Terrorize" list. Waaaayyyyy at the top.

Whaddya think--do we let the sex kitten (ok, cougar) out of her cage?

Meow.........

HRG

And the beat goes on

So you know, maybe the on-line personals thing wasn't such a good idea after all. I mean seriously, do some of these guys even bother to read the profiles? No, I don't want more children, I like tall, employed men UNDER the age of 55. I've been e-mailing/messaging with someone who's not a local. Might as well start this thing with someone who's a safe distance away. Seemed like an ok guy until I sent a pic. His response? "Wow, u r hot. Let's meet". My response? BLOCK If you can't string a sentence together without using *netspeak* then don't bother. That, and why on earth would I want to drive FIVE hours to get what I could get five minutes away? I'll slog on though--after all, statistically speaking, they can't all be losers. Can they? Hey, who knows, maybe there's even a TS out there for HRG.

As always, things with MBF remain weird. Late last nite there's a knock on my door. Odd, since I didn't buzz anyone in. Oooh maybe it's that very cute boy from down the hall finally stopping by to invite me for some of his famous Turkish coffee......

Open the door, and there stands MBF, Strat in hand, headband ala Loverboy in place. He immediately breaks into Hot Girls In Love, at turns strutting around the apartment and then serenading me. It was hilariously funny and heart-warming. I laughed so hard. Scared the crap right out of Lucy-kitty (who is, much like her *Her*, in heat with no hope of getting laid). He hung out for a bit, then I sent him home. He'll either get the message and grab a clue, or he won't. In the meantime, there are so many, many cute boys out there........

And lots and lots of time.

HRG

Well that didn't take long

Geez, even tho I didn't post a picture on the personals site, I got 6 hits today! Of course one guy was SIXTY FIVE years old! I'm far too nice to tell him he's older than my Dad. Of the 6 hits, one sent a message, which of course I answered. (back to the being nice thing). This could, my friends, get interesting. Ready to take the ride with me?

In other news, Canada became the third country in the world to legalize same sex marriage today. Yay! Whether you agree or disagree on the point, the one fact that cannot and should not be disputed is equal rights for all, as guaranteed under our own constitution. Equal rights for all, not just those deemed equal by certain special interest groups. If you think two men or two women shouldn't get married, then here's a thought, if you're a man, don't marry a man, if you're a woman, well, you get the picture. The weak argument I hear is that marriage should be kept "traditional". Well, let's see. A couple of hundred years ago, it was ok to keep slaves because, well, it was tradition. Up until 1974 it was ok to hit your wife because, well, it was tradition. Not all traditions are meant to be in perpetuity. Things change, people change, ideals change. We have to change with them or we'll be lost in the shuffle. I applaud this government's stand on the issue. Many of my *gay* friends feel the same way. I mean really, why shouldn't two people who've lived together for years and years be allowed to be married and be as miserable as the straight people have been?

Back to the personals, let the games begin.......

HRG

Sometimes I have a little too much time on my hands

So tonite babies, I joined an on-line singles thing. The questionnaire was only slightly less intrusive than a criminal record check, it just took longer to fill out is all.

So, first you pick your preferences. Ok, I've never been naive, but really, who knew there we so many choices and combinations? Then you write your profile. Sounds easy until you try to describe yourself in 200 words or less. Then you describe your "ideal" mate. In 200 words or less. Not a loser is three words. I know, I counted.

This one even allows you to pick your search area. The on-line dating people are even kind enough to rate how much of a match you'd be, based on your likes/dislikes. Wouldn't it be nice to have that in the real world? You know, you make a coffee date with a possible cute boy and someone jumps out of the trees to either yay or nay the date. Let you know in advance that yes, staying home Sunday to have staring contests with the cats would be much more fun.

Profile complete and submitted. Wait breathlessly. Why is this taking so long to load? Then it flashes, yes! I've been accepted. Of course, it's a free service so.....

Which brings me to the profiles. My search area resulted in 72 matches. SEVENTY TWO. Three, ok, four, of them were cute boys. Still, there has to be a reason they're single. And oh.....my......god......two out of every three profiles mentioned walks on the beach and candle lit dinners. BORING. Undaunted, I narrow the search area, get more specific about the kind of guy who could turn HRG's head. List my wants and don't wants and then click the *find my mate* button.

search results: there is no match for your criteria

HRG

No Sex in the City

You know babies, Summer Solstice and the New Moon certainly bring out the weird in people, and this time was no exception.

Where to begin? Hmmmm....since we last left our adorable (and let's face it, I am that) HRG, she'd had a busy week with cute boys, decided she has a crush on HTBP, and received one sweet kiss after a long and very warm hug. The kiss was not from MBF either. So there.

In other news, my Aunt Peggy has little time left. She was my Mum's favorite sister--they were very close. Living on opposite coasts meant never having the chance to get to know her, and I'm sorry for that. It seems that Peggy was the anchor of that side of the family. She cared for ALL the nieces and nephews and their children. To some of my cousins she was a mother figure who kept them from going too far astray. They all speak so glowingly and lovingly of her. It makes me so sad to think that someone who is so loved, so kind, should have to waste away, so heavily medicated that she's barely aware of her surroundings. My Dad has always thought of and spoke so highly of Peggy. It's going to be hard to give him this news. Despite not having seen her since I was very young, it makes me sad all the same. Mum always tried to keep us up on what was going on with the family, so in a sense, I do feel as if I know her. For her sake I hope she goes quickly and with little pain. She deserves no less.

Work has been an absolute nightmare! This fabulous job that I love so much drove me crazy this week. More of the Solstice/Moon thing. Ok, so it wasn't the job that was nuts, it was the boss. Friday, he almost had a mutiny on his hands. He's a nice man, but when he behaves like he should be medicated, it gets hard to take. The assistant manager almost walked off the job. Anyone with a less even temperament might've. It was not pleasant. At exactly 5:25 p.m. Friday, we walked out, relieved to see the week end. With a little luck, his Prozac will kick in by Sunday and he'll be better next week. If not, then we'll kill him and dispose of the body.

Wanted to go out to see HTBP's other band tonite, but a) his g/f will be there and b) his g/f will be there. Women are far more in tune with the *flirting* vibe than guys, and if MBF can pick up on it, she will without a doubt. Trust me, there's enough electricity between HRG and HTBP to light up Las Vegas. HTBP is not only a VERY cute boy, he is also a very nice boy who doesn't deserve or need the grief of a jealous g/f.

Of course, you have no idea how much will-power it's taking not to go...........

HRG

So many Cute Boys

Once again it's been *mentioned* that I haven't shown my face around here for awhile. I've been busy collecting cute boys dammit!

My week has been filled with VERY cute boys. J. turned older than I'll admit to on Tuesday. We took him to dinner, very cute waitresses brought him cake and sang for him. He was not embarrassed at all and I could almost hear him bragging about it to his friends. He'll be leaving soon, and while it still crushes me, it's not as bad as before. The senoritas and skating in Barcelona are luring him like sailors to Sirens. Hang on, didn't the Sirens send the sailors to their deaths? Oh God. I'll worry about him every second of every day, but grudgingly I've accepted that he's hell bent on being his own man, of living life, just like we've always taught him. I'm sure tales of his travels will have us horrified and amused at the same time. Did I mention I'll worry every second of every day?

Spent the following evening being worshipped and adored (of course) It was jam nite, MBF and I loaded up the gear and went out to play. We had such a good time too. HTBP was in fine form, flirting with him is so much fun. He's not only fun to play with, he's also a very very cute boy. I want to add him to my ever growing collection.

The rest of this week has been spent with very cute boys. HRG is getting so spoiled! Had a Simpson's marathon with MBF--we laughed our asses off all nite. Seafood club sandwiches AND ice cream from the best place in town yesterday with LSD, who is btw, a very cute boy. Topped the weekend off by going out for dinner and sitting in with the band last nite. Things with HTBP are heating up, causing much confusion. Even MBF who, like most men, is usually completely oblivious to this stuff, was catching the vibe, and he did not like it. Not one bit. I certainly wouldn't have. I'm not sure where this crush will go, but for now HRG has to admit to liking the feeling. HTBP makes me feel 16 again. I even felt a little shy around him. Could LSD be right? Are flings impossible? Why do I have the feeling I'm never going to hear the end of this?

HRG

In the blink of an eye

It goes fast. Far too fast. From wide eyed wonder at the world around him, to wide eyed jaded cynicism at the world that awaits him. J graduated today. HRG sat on a reasonably comfortable seat for TWO AND A HALF HOURS, alternating between laughing and crying. Watching J walk into the auditorium with his friends, I knew I was seeing that *little boy* for the last time, and he would emerge, certificate in hand, a young man, free of the bonds of school, ready to take on the world, to find his place, wherever that may be. It makes me sorry we raised him to be so independent. He wants to fly, yet here I stand, scissors in hand, wanting nothing more than to clip his wings, just for a little while. But, I know it's time.

How can it be possible to be so proud and yet so sad at the same time?

HRG

Lunches with Cute Boys

Ok, so the coffee date went well, although KTCB seemed a little too nice for me. Chalked it up to first date nerves. Talked to him a couple of times this week, something seemed off--where was the spark? The electricity? We're talking major power outage here.

Dismissing the cobwebs of my spidey sense, HRG graced KTCB with her presence today. Lunch was, in a word, boring. Boring boring boring boring boring. He mentioned I looked tired. It took all I had not to scream "BECAUSE YOU'RE BORING ME TO SLEEP". Seriously. This boy, while very cute, is not for me. He is way too *nice* for HRG (who likes her boys a little on the dangerous side. The wealthy side of dangerous of course) I don't think I'll see him again. Not on purpose anyway.

Is it possible for boys to be cute and smart?

HRG

April Wine

Went to see April Wine last nite. They were horrible! Maybe that's unfair, the band itself wasn't all that bad, but the sound mix was T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. I don't care who you are, nites like last nite just stress the importance of SHOWING UP FOR SOUND CHECK. It took the first couple of songs just to get the lead vocal right, the harmonies couldn't be heard, and when that issue was finally dealt with, well, the harmonies were anything but harmonic. Miles Goodwyn's guitar and amp had a lot to do with it all too. His arrogance and ego are far more legendary than the band ever was, and it became painfully obvious that this was really his show, not the band's. Most of the nite we couldn't even hear the second guitar, Goodwynn's very bad sound stepped on everyone else's. All that and he's lost his voice--the chops just weren't there babies. We were all very disappointed.

Still, it was nice to be out on an official date. It still feels a little strange, being on a date with the man I've spent 6 years hanging out with. Good strange though. This time the goodnite kisses were...well......amazing.......

That said, I have a coffee date with KTCB today. Yesterday was such a gloriously beautiful day, I was holding out hope that today would be the same, but no such luck. It looks like it's trying hard to clear up and we desperately needed the rain we got last nite, but still, to have a warm sunny day for a first date would've been perfect. There's a really great coffee place in the Village and it's covered, so that might just be the right place to go. We'll see where the day takes us.

And of course, you'll get the details........

HRG

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th isn't an unlucky day for HRG anymore. Today I met a really cute boy. He's very cute. He'd come into my store a few weeks ago, and of course, HRG being HRG she noticed him right away. One of my staff pointed out that he did 3 laps of the store looking for me after I'd left. I ran into him again, that very day and just smiled as I passed by. I kept seeing him on and off, giving him that same little smile every time. A week ago I saw him again. Monday morning he stopped by the store, but didn't come in. I saw him though. Today I came out of Starbucks, coffee in hand and there he was. Even though my stomach was doing flip flops, HRG kept her legendary cool, walked by, smiled and say hi. The rest? Well it kinda went like this....

Cute Boy:

"Wow, I finally have the courage to say this. Do I look like someone you know?"

HRG:

"Yes, actually you do. I've seen you around here, but realized you weren't someone I knew after all."

Cute Boy:

"Mind if I join you?"

HRG:

"Not at all, please, have a seat" (HRG pretends not to see him checking out her ring finger)

Cute Boy:

(extends his hand) "Hi my name is K"

HRG:

"Nice to meet you K, I'm HRG" (he has nice strong hands and a very nice body)

The conversation was wonderful, no awkward silences, you can learn a lot about someone in an hour if you ask the right questions and pay attention.

Cute Boy: (known henceforth as KTCB)

"So, would you like to go out sometime?"

HRG:

"Yes, I'd like that very much." (thinks he has an amazing smile and gorgeous dark eyes)

He's a very cute boy. I'm looking forward to our date.

Yup, summer's coming and babies I've decided to collect handbags and cute boys. A must have this season.

After all, he's very cute.

HRG

Talkin' 'Bout Last Nite

....and I bet they're still talkin' today. Yes babies, HRG got all tarted up, grabbed MBF and went out to be a rawk star. Thing is, when we got to the bar, we found out there was no jam, just this Battle of the Bands thing going on. We aren't allowed to enter. Apparently we're considered "A" circuit and this is a contest for amateurs. We won once before and were disqualified for those reasons. Whatever. But that's not the story I'm here to tell.

Mystery Mama would be so proud. Not playing didn't mean not staying, and we did. HRG held court, legions of adoring men at her feet. I was flirty and dirty and had the time of my life. Honestly my friends, I can't remember the last time a nite was that much fun. We laughed our heads off, my tummy still hurts today. HRG was in serious need of an ego feed, and several cute boys stepped up, plates in hand, to do just that. Then again, I did look pretty hot. Well I did. A very cute boy even called me sexy--I have shoes older than him. I'd been told it's a pretty good feeling, having younger men drooling over you. It is. The *sex kitten* was taken offstage and put into real life. She should really do that more often. It was fabulous. JJazz commented that this serious "I need to be squeezed* vibe was emanating from HRG--who does, in fact need to be *squeezed* and soon. HTBP proved to be the perfect flirting partner, with JJazz ending the nite with the perfect punchline. I laughed all the way home.

MBF however, did not. He was tired from working, but still managed to muster up enough energy to look great and take me out on the town. (well we had to go out that way to pick up tickets to see April Wine this Saturday nite) Since crawling all over him in public is, for obvious reasons, out of the question, I had play with other boys. I think he was a little jealous. I pretended not to notice. Inside though, my heart was smiling.

We're going for a walk down memory lane this weekend. April Wine is a truly great Canadian band--it'll be fun to see them in a smaller venue. Oh, btw, going to see them has become (insert drum roll here) a DATE!

But that's a story for another day...........

HRG

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day. Was lucky enough to have J around this weekend, although I did refuse his offer of dinner. He needs to save his cash for his upcoming adventures. I did relent and allow him to buy the flowers and patio tomatoes for my balcony. Besides, the feast of last nite was more than enough. I'm still full.

Saw TBF today. Again, felt nothing. He didn't even wish me a happy mother's day. I know I'm not his mother, but he took his sister out to lunch so you'd think he'd have said something. Seems though, that unless we're talking about TB, well, we have nothing to talk about. After five years this is what it's come down to. It's sad.

MBF on the other hand spoiled me even tho I'm definitely not his mother either. He sent cyber cards filled with sweet sentiments and sneaked up here at 1 a.m. to give me a card and several very sweet kisses. I wish he wasn't working tonite. To tell you the truth babies, I'm feeling a little lonely.

There's this feeling of anticipation--that something very wonderful is just around the corner. Problem is, I don't know which corner. I'm afraid to get my hopes up. Seems every time I do that, the bottom falls out of whatever it was that had me excited in the first place. Still, the feeling is there and gets stronger by the day. For all my wisdom, I can't seem to see the forest for the trees.

So, hand me a chainsaw, I'm gonna slaughter some spruce.

HRG

Quietly Alone

Ahhhh a three day weekend. Just what HRG needed--some down time. Was supposed to go to lunch with a friend today, but, well, it's not going to happen. Shame to waste such a nice day too.
I guess I'll have to work harder on just trying to tell people what they want to hear instead of trying to offer some insight into certain situations. Over the years I've learned to accept the things that have happened, try to learn from them and then move forward. Wallowing in "what might've been" accomplishes nothing. The Buddhists believe that each lesson is meant to be taken to the next step and applied there. Eventually the Karmic scales balance. It's how I try to live my life. Self-pity does nothing except make you more depressed and eventually alienates everyone close to you. That was a lesson HRG learned the hard way. Sadly this time, my honesty has most likely cost me a friendship, which means no more lunches, which means I'll starve to death. It makes my heart hurt. Of course, me being me, I'd never admit that. Just like I'd never admit how much having my birthday dinner blown off hurt.

So, what will HRG do today? Put her paycheque in the bank and wander around the neighborhood, check out some second hand stores? Should I be boring and responsible and stay home to do laundry and tidy up? The day is young, I can have all the other stuff done by noon.
And then I believe I shall go wandering. Who knows where the day will take me?

I'm always up for an adventure.......maybe I'll even meet a cute boy or two.

HRG

The sounds of Sunday

At last it looks like my apartment. Boxes have been emptied and recycled. Things have been arranged, then re-arranged. It's open and bright and is finally starting to feel like *home*. I worked my butt off yesterday to get it done and today enjoyed the fruits of my labors. The sun was shining, HRG went for a walk and found a very groovy second hand store. Got a great piece to add to the stage clothes collection. Very slinky and shimmery. Very me. That's what MBF says.

It's been mentioned that I haven't talked about MBF much lately. Surprising since he occupies most of my waking and sleeping thoughts. Re-read some old messages today and realized it's been a year since this whole mess got stirred up. All because of am *almost* kiss. We were saying goodnite after rehearsal, hugged and then it happened. The Moment. We both felt it. For that split second we let our guards down, the walls we'd spent so much time carefully crafting laying in pieces at our feet. The kiss didn't happen. It was left hanging in the air for some other unsuspecting couple. I hope they got good use from it.

Then again, maybe it just followed us around, waiting for the right moment. The NYE kiss doesn't count really--chalk that up to being lost in the song, driven by the music and the circumstances. Today MBF surprised me. Again. With a kiss. He's never kissed me like before.
I hope he does it again. It made me weak in the knees.

I think it's time to stop feeding the shark. Sushi anyone?

HRG

Second date

I know, I know, it breaks all the rules, having a second date so soon. Well babies, conventional is definitely not a word anyone would use to describe me.

He picked me up after work, wore this great shirt that I always have thought he looked so nice in, and then in the most cheesy romantic gesture, produced a perfect long stemmed red rose. It was so sweet. Dinner was wonderful, the conversation stimulating (get your minds out of there!) and time flew by. I felt relaxed and wonderful.

Today however, I felt bad. TBF and I were together almost 5 years, I should miss him. What kind of person am I that walking away after all this time doesn't really hurt?

I think adding another shark to the moat would be a good idea.

HRG

The First Date

You're dying to know all the lurid details, aren't you? Well, since ONE of us isn't going to the Cher concert tonite, I guess I've nothing better to do than spill.

It was interesting, the whole thing. The bar was filled with 30+ somethings, you could smell the desperation in the air. Oh dear lord, is this what awaits me in the land of the dating?

(announcer's voice):

*Desperation* (when you're ready to lower your standards)........................ new from Calvin Klein.

(long shot of a puffy, almost middle aged woman, stirring that one drink too many, gazing desperately at the puffy, almost middle aged man across the room)

It was comically pathetic. HRG on the other hand, looked "demure, with a touch of class". Or so she was told. Several times. By different boys.

Best Moment:

Date: "I'd like you to meet HRG"

Guitar player from band "I know you HRG, you're famous!"

HRG: (exercising some of her legendary self-effacing wit) "Famous for what?"

Second Best Moment:

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you welcome to the stage please, HRG!"

Yup, was invited up to do a couple of tunes in second set. Rocked out, flirted my ass off and had a great time. No talk about exes, just sat back and enjoyed it all. The food, the band, the company. Hottie The Bass Player worshipped at my feet the entire time. All in all, a fabulous ego feed.

Ah, but you wanted lurid details, didn't you? Sorry to disappoint, it was everything but lurid. Well, there was cherry pie and coffee involved, but that's a story for another day. It was sweet. He held my hand as we made our way down the hill from where we parked. The walk made all that much more difficult by the 4" stiletto heels HRG was sporting. He found the perfect table on the patio, and yes, even held my hand on the way back to the car. Going up the hill was much easier. The evening ended with several very wonderful kisses. There will be a second date.

And more cherry pie.

HRG

Gonna get my groove back

...even if it kills me. I know this because a little birdie told me so. Thanks Mystery Mama--you always know just when I need a lift.

Ok (she takes a deep breath) maybe I am so not ready for this, but tonite dear readers, HRG has a date! A bona fide "I'll pick you up at 8:45" date. We're going out to a local bar to see my bass player's other band. Did I ever tell you what a total hottie the bass player is? I am going to get totally tarted up and have the boys drooling all nite. Might not be a immediate cure, but it can't hurt. Besides, how will I know if I have my stuff back if I don't strut it a bit?

Oh, and if you're lucky, I'll spill the lurid details here.

Now, do I kiss him goodnite? Do women still do that?

The old me would........

HRG

It occurred to me

To quote Pink Floyd "I have become comfortably numb". I realize today that I am numb. That I feel, well, nothing. I'm not sad, at least not most of the time, but I'm never really happy either. I just go through my days by rote. Smiling and laughing because it's what expected of me. Even hanging out with MBF doesn't bring the warm fuzzies it should. Even last nite, after dinner, hanging out, watching tv and MBF stroking my hand and fingers in a very intimate way, that warm rush of butterflies just didn't happen.

What's wrong with me? I used to be so vibrant and alive. Now it's more like just going through the motions. My life has never been routine. It certainly doesn't fit with HRG's style. Maybe that's the problem. I've been afraid to be *me* for so long that I wonder if my style is, well, out of style.

How do I get my groove back?

HRG

Landslides

So much has been going on that I hardly know where to start. It's been a rough few days, yesterday the realization of the situation hit. Hard. On the walk home from work, I saw a Mum and her son. They were about a block away. Suddenly the walk up Hillside became a stroll down memory lane. The boy was about 8 or 9, and they way he and his Mum interacted brought back a flood of memories. It took all I had not to turn into a *girl* and bawl these groovy eyes out.

That's when it hit, how very much I miss J. and my old life. Sleeping alone isn't what it's cracked up to be. I miss the feeling of drifting off with TBF's arms wrapped tightly around me. I miss having someone to be ignored by. I guess what's hardest to take is knowing that TBF is happier now. TB lives with him now. It's not going well, but it's not going all that bad either. It is a relief to be out of the situation.

Oh but the missing J is killing me. My friends, I understand you better now. This is way harder than I thought it would be. He's here this weekend tho. Four sleeps. But, really, who's counting?

MBF and I continue to stick our toes into the moat. The alligators and the shark are still there, waiting silently for one of us to slip in. MBF is giving me time to accept the situation, time to settle into this new life. It's liked being wooed. It's kind of nice. Part of me wonders what it would be like to date other people though. Not sleep with anyone--funny, I have zero interest in that these days--but just date. Do people still do that? Do men still spend the entire meal complaining about their exes and expect you to be so turned on by the topic that you'll be offering coffee and dessert at your place? Do women still do that too, or was it just me?

If this is supposed to be such a great time in my life, why doesn't it feel like it? To quote Melissa "I'm alright, I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe"........

HRG

Well babies it's done.......

The move is finished. For me anyways. BF will finish up tomorrow. Just needs to haul a load of junk to the dump. I know, I know, no e-mails from tree huggers ok? These things were not recyclable. Trust me.

It was a LONG and stressful week, but there's no turning back now. BF has a great place btw. It's a nice size--actually, I'm kind of envious because it's bigger. He also has a pool, gym and sauna. TB is definitely moving in with him. That should be interesting, especially now that I can watch from the sidelines.

I'm tired and maybe just a little emotional. Just a little.

But know what? I'll be ok.

HRG

A Day Of Rest?

Ok, so today we proved there is indeed no rest for the wicked. If you don't count an hour's nap of course.

Been packing and cleaning all day, so why do I feel like nothing has been accomplished? Geez.

Question: Is it morally wrong to kill dust bunnies on Easter Sunday?

Things are becoming strained here, BF has been trying to pick fights, is refusing to help do more than pack some of his own things. That only started after I stopped doing it for him. Sigh. I'm not taking the bait though. I mean, it must be wrong of me to expect him to remember that he lived here all this time too. Silly me. What was I thinking?

This is hard and I will miss him. I thought the rest of your life meant the rest of your life. Guess I thought wrong. Sleeping alone will be, I think, the hardest thing to take. I love the feeling of a man's arms wrapped around me as I drift off. But you know, being someone's emotional punching bag isn't worth the trade off. Everyone tells me I'll learn to love sleeping in the middle of the bed. Obviously they don't sleep with cats. With cats, you sleep where they'll let you.

Time to clean. Cheaper than therapy by a long shot. Have the semi-mental tunes cranked too.
Probably not a wise thing to do, but what the hell. After all, I did add a shark to that moat.

But I can dream can't I?

HRG

Lunch Conversation

On a recent outing, Lipslut posed an interesting question. Can men and women be just friends? Can they hang out, do stuff together and not have it turn into more? We disagree. I think it's possible. HRG has several close male friends, who are just that, friends. We've hung out, done lots of stuff together, yet never once entertained the thought of having it go any further. Maybe women are better at it than men. We want every man in our lives to adore us. It's just that some should adore us from a safe distance. One that we determine. But I digress.....

So, what do you think? Is it possible? Pose the question to your friends and share their thoughts--even be selective and pass this blog on to someone you know who might have something interesting to say.

Enquiring minds want to know......

Curiously yours,

HRG

Remnants

...of a pretty good weekend. Some things from Friday/Saturday nite:

Brandon The Gorgeous Bartender:

"Wow HRG you looks fabulous!"

HRG (who looked pretty hot if she says so herself)

"Thanks. It's nice to be enjoying my life"

BTGB:

"Oh instead of life enjoying you?"

How incredibly profound is that? Worth sharing for sure!!! Gorgeous and smart--shame I have shoes older than he is.......

Stage moment: HRG slinks and dances her way over to her bass player instead of MBF. MBF is very upset and pouts for three songs. HRG is surprised and secretly pleased. For the record, bass player is a hottie. Big time.

Life Lesson #1: Found out what a Lipslut really is. I don't want to be one anymore.

Life Lesson #2: Also found out that wearing stilettos with clear heels qualifies one as a *ho*. Good thing mine have black ones. Almost bought a pair with stainless steel heels at Aldo. Wonder what wearing those would qualify me as. Decide I don't want to know.

Warm Fuzzy Moment: MBF holding my hand while we listened to some really cheezy oldies. It was very sweet and semi-mental.

Warmer Fuzzier Moment: MBF squeezing my hand hard every time he heard "funny how I always wind up here with you...." I wanted to kiss him.


Did I tell you faithful readers, that I added a shark to that moat? Sharks don't sleep. Ever.

HRG

Sometimes it's just too amazing

And last nite, well, that's what we were. We made mistakes which no one noticed (except us) and we absolutely ROCKED the place. Much fun was had by all, the bar was packed, and did I mention we rocked? A furry friend graciously brought along her video camera and recorded most of the gig. Can't wait to see the footage!

HRG felt sooooooo incredibly sexy last nite too. Haven't felt like that in a very long time. Bought an entire new outfit, you should see the shoes! My feet are screaming at me this morning, but you know babies, it was more than worth it. Did the whole thing this week, got a new haircut, new clothes, and a new attitude. I've tidied up my point of view, I've got a new attitude..... (hey not all the songs from the 80s were bad) Played the role of Sex Kitten to the hilt, heh heh heh. It was fun. My ego needed a massage and feeding.

Tonite is a nite with MBF whom I haven't seen (except for last nite and omfg he was so good) in two weeks. I miss him. Big time. Not too long now and we'll be able to see each other whenever we want. The commute will involve a run down the stairs, or in MBF's case, a quick elevator ride up 3 floors.

The hugs are getting steamier.......what I wouldn't have given for it to be NYE all over again. You see this time I was ready for the kiss.......

HRG

Let the packing begin

This is going a little too smoothly--something is bound to go wrong. We're bound to argue over what belonged to who and who's taking what. There was already a little "discussion" over a dvd last nite. Sigh.

BF and I have separate apartments now. He rented his at the end of last week, the damage deposit was put down on mine yesterday. His building has a pool, gym, etc. Not that he'll ever use them. Mine is quiet, has a balcony and a view of the city, the water and the mountains. Unless you look down, in which case, it's a pretty good view of the parking lot. Still it's walking distance to work. It's bright, sunny and smaller than I'm used to, then again, this time only one person will be living there, not three. I'm sure I'll be happy there. I know the plants will be.

So what to do now? BF keeps insisting that we're not breaking up, just moving out for space of our own, but I know it's over in the things he says. He got J a birthday gift yesterday--gave it to him and everything. As you know, dedicated reader of this stuff, J's birthday is in June. Three months away. BF got me a digital camera--a month early--for my birthday. It's one I always wanted, it's an older model which means it was being cleared out. HP 635 2.1 mp 3x optical zoom, audio, video, internal memory--the whole shebang. It's a good camera for your normal snapshot taker. They were a popular item in electronics at the stupid store. I know this, I sold a bajillion of them a couple of Christmases ago.

Isn't it interesting how I managed to squash those feelings and instead, wax ecstatic about the new camera? Mystery Mama is right. I should let myself feel things and when those who truly care ask, tell them about it. The trick is to find the balance between being able to say something, instead of talking about it endlessly. You see, I'm afraid that once the words come out, they'll run mightier and faster than the Mississippi. I don't have a life jacket.

HRG

Pulling off the band-aid

Well here you are dear reader, the feelings I somehow manage to squash.......

The band-aid has been pulled off. Quickly. It hurt. BF said the words aloud yesterday--he wants to live alone. If this is what I've wanted, my own space, my own place, then why does it hurt so freakin' much? Is it because I mistakenly believed that another try would be the right thing to do? Or is it that deep down, I'm really afraid to be alone?

That seems ridiculous. I love, no crave, my alone time. So why all these mixed feelings? I feel all this pressure now. MBF does too, I can feel it. My *spidey sense* tells me I am about to be truly alone. Oh we'll always be best friends, but I feel that's all it'll ever be. That's not so bad I guess. We've got music and that's something, right? Right?

I'm going to look at an apartment today. An apartment! For the first time in more years than I'll admit to I won't have a yard and a garden. But maybe that's a good thing Less distractions force you to look at and deal with issues. A place with a balcony seems like a reasonable compromise. I can still have flowers, herbs and patio tomatoes. It won't be the gianormous amount of produce I'm used to growing, but that's ok too. We're in for another hot summer, not having to water and/or mow the lawn would be a welcome relief. Patio plants need less attention and fussing. I'm the one who needs the attention and fussing for a change.

I've decided to let J go his own way. It's so hard and makes me cry rivers of tears, but he's going to go regardless. Better I know where he is and who he's with than have him floating around from place to place. He insists that we'll spend every other weekend together, just us. I want to believe that, it'd be nice to have something to look forward to. All too soon he'll be leaving the city to make his way. I'll have to ask my dad how he felt when I hopped on the bus right after graduation. I too was anxious to make my way. I left at 15, 17 and 19. Difference here is, I was escaping indifference. J is loved fiercely. Something that I never knew. So, pass the scissors and I'll cut the final apron string. Ouch.

HRG

The Countdown begins

In about a month we have to move. Seems we're all going in separate directions now.
J wants to stay out here and be closer to school. He'll stay with friends. Part of me wants to let him, the other part of me feels SO guilty. Am I that bad a mother that he can't wait to get away? Maybe it's selfish making his decision about me, but the thought is there, niggling in the back of my mind. It's unfair to ask him to make the same commute I'm moving into town to get away from. At the same time, J is really all I have and without him, well, I'm truly alone. Then my heart breaks a little more.

The BF and I know this is the end of at least our living together. Everyday I feel him draw further away, and I know it's a self-protection thing. I know this because I do exactly the same thing. This break won't be neat and clean, it'll be more like pulling a band-aid off a hairy leg. Slowly.

Still, the hesitation is there. Should we give it one more try or just bury the dead horse? Time alone for each of us is a good thing. BF and TB will be able to spend more time together. TB wants to be with his dad when I'm not around. They should be able to do that. Building a relationship is so important for the both of them. Who knows? Maybe BF will actually get custody of TB. It would be good for both of them. They might even find the happiness they both so badly crave. Maybe we all will.

For right now though, even gravol won't make the queasiness go away......if this is what seasick feels like, remind me to never go on a cruise. I'd rather keep my head in the clouds.

Another semi-mental Sunday

Here we are, the day before Valentine's. BF left chocolates and a card even tho Valentine's is tomorrow. It was nice, and I feel like a total shit because I just don't love him anymore. Not in the way you should love someone you want to spend the rest with your life with anyway. I care for him, care about him, but it's not enough. It's dishonest and wrong.

Onto other things.......

"When was the last time you were really, truly kissed?"

August 2000. It was a kiss good-bye. Sad, sweet, soulful. Amazing really. Made me weak in the knees. Sometimes when I touch my lips I can still feel it. And when I see *him* it all comes back in a flood of memories. The smell, his hair so soft........oh I didn't want it to end. It had to though. A matter of right place, wrong time. Baggage piled a mile high between us, so many unresolved issues, so much hurt and anger. Ah, but the kiss.............the kiss...........

This always happens after a gig. All those feelings come out onstage and then just hang in the air like I should do something with them. I can't though. I just carry them like an albatross and try hard not to let anyone see that what happens onstage is more than just a show.

I also have to stop myself from reading too too much into all of it. How much of it is just MBF acting for the show and how much of it is real? Is it wishful thinking? MBF is far too kind a man to make me feel like a bigger fool than I already do. I want to believe his heart is as much mine as mine is his. Sometimes I think it is. Other times I'm not so sure. Truth is, no matter how many times I examine this, it's been the same for at least 4 years. We're tied together, through music, through this incredibly special thing we have. No matter what's happened, we're never too far away from each other. Sometimes it feels like there's no escape. What I know is that I have never ever been this comfortable with someone. Not ever.

And I like it.

HRG

Sunday Stuff

Go you big hairy Patriots! Watched the game today, and to his credit BF actually watched the whole game with me. He even put stuff together for dinner. On his own. Seriously. These are the *make up* times that always happen after the *dark* times. I know he's trying and I should be a little nicer to him sometimes. The distance between us grows more everyday, and it's mostly my fault. I feel so torn between doing the right thing and doing what's right for me.
I keep hoping it'll be BF who suggests we find separate places, but I know that won't happen.

Things with MBF haven't changed. The line we said we wouldn't cross has been turned into a moat complete with alligators. Just to be on the safe side.

On a sad note, we lost another music friend this week. Hoss was a good bass player and more importantly, a good man. Well-liked and respected, he'll be missed. I hope he keeps his word and when he sees Barry, he punches him. Hard. It's true what they say, if there's a rock and roll heaven, you know they've got a hell of a band. Hoss on bass, Barry on guitar, Ed on drums and Diggs on sax......now that'd be a gig.

The new job is fabulous!!! There's so much to learn and I'm doing alright, but there's so much to learn. Thankfully I'm a pretty quick study. Did I mention there's so much to learn? On the upside, despite having been told I'd have a 90 day probationary period, my business cards arrived. Two weeks after I started. Despite my misgivings, I must be doing alright. This job is the best thing to come along in a very long time. It's nice to have something to look forward to again.

Now if I could just get the rest of my life together, it would be all good. Anyone up for helping me put the pieces together should probably seek psychiatric care. Seriously.

Watched That Thing You Do again today. Great question from the movie: "when was the last time you were truly, really, kissed?"

I'll think about it and get back to you.

HRG

Gotta Love Being A Rawk Star

Good gig tonite. The bar even gave us a raise which was totally unexpected and very cool. Just call me Miz Onassis. We played well and had a freakin' great time doing so. A couple of times I couldn't start singing because we were all laughing so hard. I like that. The new bass player really spices things up. He's cute, funny as hell and has even had a dream abut HRG. But that's a story for another day.

MBF was amazing tonite too. It's easy to take for granted what an exceptional player he truly is and I should tell him more often I think, how I admire him as a musician. Personal stuff aside, MBF has earned a great deal of respect within music circles and still manages to stay unaffected and humble. It's one of the many reasons I 'heart' him so much.

There were a couple of onstage "moments" that actually made me go weak in the knees. It makes me wonder if keeping things as they are is the right thing to do. When no lines are being crossed, all those feelings have to go somewhere. The desire, the emotion, all come out when we're onstage and makes for a very good show. What if we lose that by making it real?

I was just told that I had such a nice smile on my face tonite. That I looked tired, but calm and truly happy. I was all of the above.

Geronimo..........

HRG

Rainy Days and Mondays

Much as I hate the snow and cold, I hate rain and fog worse. And the color grey. Yuck. It makes me sad with no sun to warm my face and lift my spirits.

I hate feeling so bloody semi-mental. No I don't. Yes, I do. So it's raining and cold and foggy and well, grey, and what am I doing? Cleaning house and listening to the saddest songs ever written. Why must I torture myself this way? I'm an idiot.

An idiot who knows she's living a lie. Call me selfish, self-absorbed, whatever, but despite what's in my heart I do not have it in me to hurt the BF even though we both know this isn't working. Sigh. There is no easy solution here, either way, someone is gonna get hurt. It's the last thing I want to happen, but there is no avoiding it. It makes my heart feel so heavy in my chest.

I bet if sadness had a color it'd be foggy grey...........

HRG

New job worries

You know you'd think I'd be over the moon, dizzy with excitement over starting a new job. Instead, worry and self-doubt hang about like unwanted party guests. Only harder to get rid of.
What if I mess up? This is the first time I've been hired to start at the top, replacing a long-term and well loved Operations Manager (ok, I have to admit to loving the way those two words sound together). The staff all seem nice, but this is uncharted territory for HRG. I have the qualifications, the experience, and, according to one former boss, the uncanny ability to walk on water. I'm where I want to be, in retail, will have a free hand in choosing, marketing and merchandising product, the wage and perks are more than adequate, the hours perfect, no expectation to put in a bajillion hours a week overtime, etc. You get the picture. So what's with all the butterflies in my stomach, and now that Lipslut has returned to the world of the working, what am I going to feed them?

Maybe feeling nervous is a good thing. It's one thing to be confident, quite another to be cocky.
But what the hell, might as well hold my nose and jump in with both feet. Good thing I know how to swim.........

HRG

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Did I ever mention that life is funny sometimes?

2004 ended in an interesting way, 2005 began in an interesting way. What's interesting is the way the ending and beginning all happened in the 30 seconds before and after midnite. The gig went well, we played great, had fun and at midnite my entire world was turned upside down again. With a kiss. I'm not sure I've recovered yet. And no, we didn't cross that line, just kind of snuck a toe over.

I have to tell you though, it changed everything. I'm a little more cautious with MBF now than I was before. I feel a little awkward now. Unsure of what exactly my feelings are. I'm torn in half emotionally. I will not cheat on the BF. It's wrong and hurtful. After watching Mystery Mama get hurt by someone who wanted a little extra cake, I know that to do the same thing to someone else would be just so wrong.

But you know, it's a mighty tempting cake. I think it's probably wiser to stick to my diet, don't you?

HRG