Talking About Forgiveness

Good morning my babies. Working a rare nite shift gives HRG some time alone to swear at, er I mean, sit at, this keyboard for awhile.

Let's get a cup of coffee and settle in for a bit, shall we?

Last post made mention of some test results. You'll get them, but right now let's talk about something else. Something really difficult. Something easier said than done.

Let's talk about forgiveness. Specifically, about forgiving ourselves. Face it babies, not one of us is perfect. Not by a long shot. No one is. We strive to be the best possible people we can be, but perfection is an unattainable goal. We've all made our mistakes along the way. If we didn't make them, how would we ever learn anything?

And we make mistakes in relationships, things happen that we wish wish wish we could take back, change and make right. Sometimes we get the chance to make amends, to start it all over again. We're blessed when that happens. But sometimes we don't get that chance. The finality and fragility of life steps in and all the things you didn't say remain unsaid to anyone except yourself. Then Anger and Depression set up house. It can take a long time to evict the unwanted tenants. In the meantime, they can do much more damage than you realize. Until the damage is done.

Someone close to me just lost her remaining parent to a tragic accident. There were issues between them, as seems to be all too common with mothers and daughters. We spoke as her mother hovered, non-responsive with not much hope. JS was devastated, sobbing that there was so much she didn't say. I urged her to talk to her mother, to thank her for everything that was good, and to forgive her for everything that wasn't. I firmly believe that the waiting ones can hear, even if it doesn't seem they can. They're aware. She said she had and she was still talking to her. Then I told her to forgive herself. JS crumbled, sobbing that she couldn't.

She will eventually, with the help of those around her, learn how to take those tenuous steps to forgiving herself. Still, I can't help thinking how many of us continue to punish ourselves in one way or another for years over things that happened in the past. Even if the things were manipulated by others, or completely out of our control. We even put a label on this self-punishment. We call it Guilt. If only becomes your mantra.

Why is it so hard for us to let go? To forgive ourselves, accept that it happened, accept the consequences and move on. It feels like climbing Mount Everest would be easier doesn't it?

Hard as it is to believe babies, even HRG has made her share of mistakes. A couple of them were BIG ones. I beat myself up for years over pissing away a very good marriage. I was selfish, immature, drunk and angry. Not a good combination at all. Finally, on the day we signed our divorce papers, we were laughing over old jokes, the notary public asked if we were sure we should be getting a divorce. That's when Guilt kicked me in the stomach. Hard. It hurt. On the way out I apologized for everything I'd done, for hurting him the way I did, for...well...everything. He smiled and said he'd forgiven me a long time ago and that I needed to forgive myself now. What's done is done, he harbored no ill feelings anymore. Thank each other for everything that was good. Forgive each other for everything that wasn't.
It was time to move on. It was hard, but I did it. Funny thing, I felt better, more stable and less insecure.

When my own mother came to me in a very real, actually, surreal, situation, the final forgiveness happened. She kept stroking my hair, telling me she needed me to let her go and this gianormous ball of emotion was released. When I returned to this reality, it felt different. I felt different. Because I was. It was that moment that I ceased being angry. Oh, I still get mad about stuff, but I'm not angry anymore. It made me a better person.

Are you up to the challenge my babies? To forgive yourselves, abandon the excess baggage, and move on?

Life will seem brighter, happier and more stable.

I promise.

HRG