....then, why oh why my babies, do I feel SO bad? It's nothing I can put my finger on really, just something inside that's reminding me all is not the paradise it seems, and sooner (rather than later) the walls are about to crash in, someone will pull the rug out from under HRG's feet. The fall will hurt.
Old fears? Perhaps. Old lessons learned? Probably. Thing is, I've ignored the warning signs before and we all know what happened. Talking it out with TCB isn't an option. In true male form, every subject, no matter how tactfully it's approached, is deemed an attack. So, the hurt feelings are swallowed. They taste bad. But all the same, to keep the peace, they must be digested and forgotten. They're never really forgotten though--this bad taste in my mouth reminds me of that. All of the time.
Haha--here's a neat little co-incidence. Harden My Heart just started playing. It's how I feel. Most of the time. I've let TCB closer than I've ever let anyone, now that I have, I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do. It's harder knowing that I'm sure about him, this, our lives together. He, on the other hand is not. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me. MM says I really should see the way TCB looks at me when I'm not looking. I want so desperately to believe that. Maybe if he'd let me see it firsthand....
Know something? It's the grey and rain and little sleep that has HRG feeling just a little too sorry for herself. Let's see if it's something a nap can't help.
It's my day off--it couldn't hurt.
And that's a good thing.
HRG
Monday, October 29, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
....was the song that TCB had queued up when he picked up from work last nite. What does that mean? Why does it have to mean anything? Mystery Mama assures me daily that TCB does love me back. Spending some time with us let her see that and now she can (and regularly does) smack me upside the head when the whining begins. For that I am eternally grateful.
For being the sole head of reason, for being the wonderful and sweet friend that she is, for bringing two lifelong friends back together again, I am forever in her debt. I have missed BFH every single day for nine years. It always felt like a part of me was missing. It felt so good, so natural to reconnect--like all those years really hadn't gone by. This would have never happened if not for MM. Our lives are all so crazy right now, the bringing together of old friends was so important for all our souls. We needed each other. It's that simple. A number of people worked across borders to make this whole thing work. They have our love and gratitude.
MM had her very first ever Canadian Thanksgiving. We ate until we could barely move. Then we had pie. Oh and for the record, MM does indeed make the crack cocaine of casseroles! It was absolutely amazing. Wanna bet we could get her a work visa in 2.8 nanoseconds? All we'd have to do is feed the immigration officer some casserole and promise seconds if he'll just sign this little piece of paper.......
We spent lots of time together, shopped a bunch--MM helped pick out the sexiest dress for TCB's yearly office bash. It'll top last year's dress for sure.
It also means having to seriously work on the arm and back toning thing. Good incentive.
All in all we had fun. A nice grown up dinner for just the girls was mandatory and we did it in style. Let's face it ladies, we were the hottest chicks in the restaurant. Well, we were. It was a nice nite out. So good for all our souls to have a break and just enjoy ourselves and each other.
Because you see, in short, that's what this visit was all about. The people who love us are so thrilled to see us so happy again. It's a shame not everyone was able to see the forest for the trees and didn't get to share in our joy.
And that's all we need to say about that.
HRG
For being the sole head of reason, for being the wonderful and sweet friend that she is, for bringing two lifelong friends back together again, I am forever in her debt. I have missed BFH every single day for nine years. It always felt like a part of me was missing. It felt so good, so natural to reconnect--like all those years really hadn't gone by. This would have never happened if not for MM. Our lives are all so crazy right now, the bringing together of old friends was so important for all our souls. We needed each other. It's that simple. A number of people worked across borders to make this whole thing work. They have our love and gratitude.
MM had her very first ever Canadian Thanksgiving. We ate until we could barely move. Then we had pie. Oh and for the record, MM does indeed make the crack cocaine of casseroles! It was absolutely amazing. Wanna bet we could get her a work visa in 2.8 nanoseconds? All we'd have to do is feed the immigration officer some casserole and promise seconds if he'll just sign this little piece of paper.......
We spent lots of time together, shopped a bunch--MM helped pick out the sexiest dress for TCB's yearly office bash. It'll top last year's dress for sure.
It also means having to seriously work on the arm and back toning thing. Good incentive.
All in all we had fun. A nice grown up dinner for just the girls was mandatory and we did it in style. Let's face it ladies, we were the hottest chicks in the restaurant. Well, we were. It was a nice nite out. So good for all our souls to have a break and just enjoy ourselves and each other.
Because you see, in short, that's what this visit was all about. The people who love us are so thrilled to see us so happy again. It's a shame not everyone was able to see the forest for the trees and didn't get to share in our joy.
And that's all we need to say about that.
HRG
These Boots Were Made For Walkin'
...and that's just what they'll do. Why those boots (ok, so they were really running shoes, just taking a bit of artistic licence here..) walked 1,000,000 square feet and saw roughly a trillion new products. Of which exactly three were at all impressive. It felt a bit stale this time, or maybe it's because I'm not quite so starry-eyed and new at this. We did see some interesting things, found some new suppliers for a new product line, several very cute boys were mingling around.....yup, it wasn't too bad a trip after all. Just for the record, we really did walk one million square feet of the Congress Centre. Actually, we did that twice. We also spent a day at the International Centre, looking for that *wow* product. With no luck. The size of that building? Roughly 250,000, yes two hundred and fifty thousand, square feet.
And we saw The Nylons. They were so good! I'd forgotten my camera, so in between dinner, during the speeches (yawn), I dashed over to the hotel to get it. On the way out, who should be walking in the hall, microphones in hand but the road manager for them. I made apppropriate noises about the mics 'coz they were really cool. I want one. It's cordless, just think of the fun to be had...heh heh heh....He was a truly nice man, and The Nylons were very very good. Those harmonies are very difficult to do--add the whole a capella thing and they have earned my utmost respect. What was hilarious was watching a group of women who "rushed" the stage. Hell, my lack of gay-dar is well known and even I knew they were gay. The group, not the women. They seemed completely oblivious to the fact. And they were very very drunk. I'm sure somewhere out there, thanks to YouTube, some kid has his head in hands, mortified at seeing what his mother did at her "business" conference.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
the above was written August 19/07 after the tradeshow. don't know how it ended up in the drafts folder, but here it is.
And we saw The Nylons. They were so good! I'd forgotten my camera, so in between dinner, during the speeches (yawn), I dashed over to the hotel to get it. On the way out, who should be walking in the hall, microphones in hand but the road manager for them. I made apppropriate noises about the mics 'coz they were really cool. I want one. It's cordless, just think of the fun to be had...heh heh heh....He was a truly nice man, and The Nylons were very very good. Those harmonies are very difficult to do--add the whole a capella thing and they have earned my utmost respect. What was hilarious was watching a group of women who "rushed" the stage. Hell, my lack of gay-dar is well known and even I knew they were gay. The group, not the women. They seemed completely oblivious to the fact. And they were very very drunk. I'm sure somewhere out there, thanks to YouTube, some kid has his head in hands, mortified at seeing what his mother did at her "business" conference.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
the above was written August 19/07 after the tradeshow. don't know how it ended up in the drafts folder, but here it is.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Remember Me?
Wow, what a month or more it's been babies! Work has been an absolute nightmare, staffing issues have actually caused me to lose sleep. This is not a good thing. But, with a little bit of luck, it'll be worked out by the end of this week. That said, HRG is absolutely enjoying her first of two, count 'em, TWO, days off in a row. The busy season looms and the days will become one constant blur. This is a good thing. I love it when it's stupid busy. People stay off my ass then.This is also a good thing. But for today, I'm not gonna think about it. So far today has involved a four hour "nap", dinner has been planned, bread is rising....it feels good to putter.
Life has been a bit weird lately, but let's face it, it wouldn't be my life if it weren't, would it? I'm fighting old demons too, working hard to break the pattern of old learned behaviours. And old, very bad, habits. It's part of the reason I've been throwing myself into my work lately. Idle hands and all that. But you know babies, HRG has come a very long way. Those demons and dragons have been long slain....ok, most of them. I do love TCB more than I thought possible, screwing this up by listening to my hormones is not an option. Period.
Of course, we all know this is the "sabotage" stage. The "it-feels-way-too-damned-good-therefore-it-must-be-destroyed" phase. Self preservation is the hardest of the habits to break. I'm learning that passion is like food. That instant desire, the quick spark, is like fast food. Filling, but with no substance and cold in an instant. The looking at TCB, that warm, satisfied feeling is like a gourmet dinner. With dessert. Something you know you'll enjoy for a long time.
No, he still doesn't want to marry me. No, I'm still not ok with it. No, I am not going to whine about it anymore. You must be as sick of hearing it as I am of going on and on and on about it. If it changes, and that's pretty unlikely, you'll be the first to know. I promise. Between you and me though, I wouldn't hold my breath.
We did have the chance to actually, gasp! rehearse over the past while, learned some new songs, test drove them with much success at the Saturday afternoon jams and had fun. Krusty and I worked through our stuff, we're feeling far more comfortable together than we have in a long, long time, and it shows, especially on stage. TCB has found his groove with us, it's finally come together. Happily I can tell you that TCB and Krusty are getting along well. He's happy knowing that TCB is a good guy who treats me well. His living issues are more or less the same. That's a leopard who will never change her spots. He chooses to be there. And the beat goes on, but at least he looks better than he has in a very long time. It sure feels good to be playing again. Time to start lining up the gigs.
Before I toddle off, let me leave you with this:
A week from today is Thanksgiving. There is much to be thankful for.
And I think I've solved the TimBits dilemma.
HRG
Life has been a bit weird lately, but let's face it, it wouldn't be my life if it weren't, would it? I'm fighting old demons too, working hard to break the pattern of old learned behaviours. And old, very bad, habits. It's part of the reason I've been throwing myself into my work lately. Idle hands and all that. But you know babies, HRG has come a very long way. Those demons and dragons have been long slain....ok, most of them. I do love TCB more than I thought possible, screwing this up by listening to my hormones is not an option. Period.
Of course, we all know this is the "sabotage" stage. The "it-feels-way-too-damned-good-therefore-it-must-be-destroyed" phase. Self preservation is the hardest of the habits to break. I'm learning that passion is like food. That instant desire, the quick spark, is like fast food. Filling, but with no substance and cold in an instant. The looking at TCB, that warm, satisfied feeling is like a gourmet dinner. With dessert. Something you know you'll enjoy for a long time.
No, he still doesn't want to marry me. No, I'm still not ok with it. No, I am not going to whine about it anymore. You must be as sick of hearing it as I am of going on and on and on about it. If it changes, and that's pretty unlikely, you'll be the first to know. I promise. Between you and me though, I wouldn't hold my breath.
We did have the chance to actually, gasp! rehearse over the past while, learned some new songs, test drove them with much success at the Saturday afternoon jams and had fun. Krusty and I worked through our stuff, we're feeling far more comfortable together than we have in a long, long time, and it shows, especially on stage. TCB has found his groove with us, it's finally come together. Happily I can tell you that TCB and Krusty are getting along well. He's happy knowing that TCB is a good guy who treats me well. His living issues are more or less the same. That's a leopard who will never change her spots. He chooses to be there. And the beat goes on, but at least he looks better than he has in a very long time. It sure feels good to be playing again. Time to start lining up the gigs.
Before I toddle off, let me leave you with this:
A week from today is Thanksgiving. There is much to be thankful for.
And I think I've solved the TimBits dilemma.
HRG
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