Ok, so HRG has been left to her own devices for an indefinite period of time. It's ok, this week will be easier than last. This is, I've never actually missed anyone like this. Oh, it's not as bad as when we began because he lives here, and while there certainly is uncertainty as to which direction we're going, it's definitely more secure. Still, it's very quiet and quite frankly, boring, without LDK. I miss his laugh and smile.
Been thinking about MBF a lot these days. I miss the friendship more than I thought. With LDK away, hanging out, watching a hockey game or two with MBF would've been nice. Like the old days. But everything is different now. He's made some very unwise choices, most of them puzzling, but then again, that was always something I had a hard time accepting about him. His need to re-visit the past and fix it, or at the very least prove he wasn't at fault. His need to play the martyr was another issue. But he's where he is and that's that.
And onto other things..........
Both DTVCB and HH honored HRG with their presence last week. Lunch was at turns interesting and hilarious. In the midst of it all, an interesting question was posed. Would you sign a pre-nuptial agreement (of sorts), giving up all your worldly possessions if you walk away from the marriage? When I said no, DTVCB countered with if you say no, then it means you aren't ready to make the commitment. I see his point--to a point. To my way of thinking, such a pre-nup wouldn't be an issue because I wouldn't be going into it with the thought that it might fail. Given that HRG may very well be the original inspiration for the Runaway Bride, that I would want to marry LDK as much as I do should speak volumes. I'm ready to make the commitment. I'm ready to share all my worldly possessions with LDK (who shall be known from now on as The Cute Boy). Yes, I'm well aware there are no absolutes, no guarantees, but in spite of everything, break ups happen. It's important to remember not to lump "us" all together. Some of "us" actually play fair when things end.
And, believe it or not, some of "us" DO believe in happily-ever-after.
Even me.
HRG
Monday, January 22, 2007
Scene from a Donut Shoppe
Just have to share this little timbit, er I mean, tidbit with you babies. It's too incredulously funny not to.
The scene plays out like this:
(camera pans slowly across a crowded Food Court in a typically suburban shopping mall)
Woman glances nervously at her watch and counts the people in front of her. She's fifth in line and if that employee would speed it up just a little, she won't be late for work. She finally reaches the head of the line:
"Hi, can I have a large black coffee please?"
"I'm sorry, there's no more coffee in this line. You'll have to get into the other line. (she points to a much longer line on the left)
"Excuse me?"
"There's no more coffee in this line, you'll have to go over to the other one"
"Can't you just walk over there and pour me a coffee?"
"No. I can't. We're not allowed."
(woman realizes the employee is being serious and walks away, sans coffee, shaking her head.)
Yes, this really happened. The woman it happened to is not prone to exaggeration. We laughed ourselves silly, smug in the knowing that this would never happen at our favorite coffee spot MegaBucks.
It could've only happened at Hort Timmons.
HRG
The scene plays out like this:
(camera pans slowly across a crowded Food Court in a typically suburban shopping mall)
Woman glances nervously at her watch and counts the people in front of her. She's fifth in line and if that employee would speed it up just a little, she won't be late for work. She finally reaches the head of the line:
"Hi, can I have a large black coffee please?"
"I'm sorry, there's no more coffee in this line. You'll have to get into the other line. (she points to a much longer line on the left)
"Excuse me?"
"There's no more coffee in this line, you'll have to go over to the other one"
"Can't you just walk over there and pour me a coffee?"
"No. I can't. We're not allowed."
(woman realizes the employee is being serious and walks away, sans coffee, shaking her head.)
Yes, this really happened. The woman it happened to is not prone to exaggeration. We laughed ourselves silly, smug in the knowing that this would never happen at our favorite coffee spot MegaBucks.
It could've only happened at Hort Timmons.
HRG
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Face It Kid
There's a scene in Sex and the City (which we all know is HRG's very favorite show) where Carrie and Big are doing their emotional "dance" in the back of a taxi. Carrie is telling him she's engaged to Aiden. Big scoffs at this and says "face it Kid, you're not the marrying kind".
That'd be me. Except that the exchange didn't happen in the back of a cab, HRG certainly isn't engaged to anyone and the scene played out more like this:
LDK and HRG hanging out on the couch, watching Jeopardy, a commercial for a wedding fair comes on, the voice over begins with "getting married, or planning to?" The first word out of LDK's mouth was NO. He actually said it over the announcer's voice. Ouch. No I didn't say a word or even allow a hint of the beating my heart was taking show. So, I'm facing it, slowly. Ouch. I understand how a cute boy or two from my past may have actually loved me enough to want to make that commitment, only to have to suffer an emotional ass kicking by my own indifference. It makes my heart hurt to think I might've hurt someone in that way. It's a sad and painful lesson.
Life is bittersweet these days. Work is going very well. It's been two years now, my last job review was glowing to say the least and they even gave me a raise! My relationship with J is back on track--much like his mum, he had to go his own way for awhile to try to make sense of things. Underneath it all though, is so much sadness, so much pain. Knowing that this visit with Dad was the last one..............I've cried so many tears. It's too hard and he's too young.
And through it all, I feel so alone. With no one to talk to. I've always tried to set whatever aside to be there for my friends whenever they needed to unload, a shoulder to lean on, a set of non-judgmental ears to listen. Here's the thing, now it's HRG who needs those things, and well, no one seems to have the time to just listen. Others have their own disappointments, so I suppose I should try harder to understand. One thing that pains is not having heard from Mystery Mama in months. Wondering it she's pissed because I didn't answer her last e-mail rant about her own cute boy. I'm sorry, I had to take some time to deal with things. I'd reached out and was dismissed. Sorry.
Babies, I'm getting pissy, so it's time to go. Maybe one day at a time is the secret.
And maybe someday.......................
HRG
That'd be me. Except that the exchange didn't happen in the back of a cab, HRG certainly isn't engaged to anyone and the scene played out more like this:
LDK and HRG hanging out on the couch, watching Jeopardy, a commercial for a wedding fair comes on, the voice over begins with "getting married, or planning to?" The first word out of LDK's mouth was NO. He actually said it over the announcer's voice. Ouch. No I didn't say a word or even allow a hint of the beating my heart was taking show. So, I'm facing it, slowly. Ouch. I understand how a cute boy or two from my past may have actually loved me enough to want to make that commitment, only to have to suffer an emotional ass kicking by my own indifference. It makes my heart hurt to think I might've hurt someone in that way. It's a sad and painful lesson.
Life is bittersweet these days. Work is going very well. It's been two years now, my last job review was glowing to say the least and they even gave me a raise! My relationship with J is back on track--much like his mum, he had to go his own way for awhile to try to make sense of things. Underneath it all though, is so much sadness, so much pain. Knowing that this visit with Dad was the last one..............I've cried so many tears. It's too hard and he's too young.
And through it all, I feel so alone. With no one to talk to. I've always tried to set whatever aside to be there for my friends whenever they needed to unload, a shoulder to lean on, a set of non-judgmental ears to listen. Here's the thing, now it's HRG who needs those things, and well, no one seems to have the time to just listen. Others have their own disappointments, so I suppose I should try harder to understand. One thing that pains is not having heard from Mystery Mama in months. Wondering it she's pissed because I didn't answer her last e-mail rant about her own cute boy. I'm sorry, I had to take some time to deal with things. I'd reached out and was dismissed. Sorry.
Babies, I'm getting pissy, so it's time to go. Maybe one day at a time is the secret.
And maybe someday.......................
HRG
Sunday, January 07, 2007
WTF?
I hate rain. And wind. And being cold. And being kept up most of the nite by the incessant pounding and howling. Figures HRG would have a cat who's afraid of storms.
All of this, plus thoughts HRG cannot get rid of have me going quietly about her life, quietly out of her mind. How much of what I read into things is merely old patterns of expected behaviour and why am I reading into things anyway?? That's what driving me out of my mind. Quietly of course.
Then I made a mistake.
I told LDK what was niggling at me. I should've kept my mouth shut because it feels like things have changed a little. It was silly and ultimately made him feel really bad which in turn made me feel worse. At what point did I start thinking that something sparkly and shiny was proof of undying love and devotion? WTF? Where is all this coming from? Is it that Fear is so frustrated with Doubt not opening the door to my heart it's simply decided to run my mouth instead? Does this all stem from never quite feeling good enough to think that maybe, just maybe, HRG actually might be someone's happily ever after? LDK is the most amazing man!! I want to be perfect all the time. There is something so very wrong with that. It's too much pressure, it's too hard. It'll kill us. So if I know this is a bad thing, why can't I stop? Help me babies!
HRG
All of this, plus thoughts HRG cannot get rid of have me going quietly about her life, quietly out of her mind. How much of what I read into things is merely old patterns of expected behaviour and why am I reading into things anyway?? That's what driving me out of my mind. Quietly of course.
Then I made a mistake.
I told LDK what was niggling at me. I should've kept my mouth shut because it feels like things have changed a little. It was silly and ultimately made him feel really bad which in turn made me feel worse. At what point did I start thinking that something sparkly and shiny was proof of undying love and devotion? WTF? Where is all this coming from? Is it that Fear is so frustrated with Doubt not opening the door to my heart it's simply decided to run my mouth instead? Does this all stem from never quite feeling good enough to think that maybe, just maybe, HRG actually might be someone's happily ever after? LDK is the most amazing man!! I want to be perfect all the time. There is something so very wrong with that. It's too much pressure, it's too hard. It'll kill us. So if I know this is a bad thing, why can't I stop? Help me babies!
HRG
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