Ok, HRG will accept the 40 lashes with the wet noodle for her absence. Feel free to read into that whatever you'd like. Of course those lashes are fun when.....nevermind, that's really a story for another day. Well it is.
My silence has much to do with work, which has been keeping me on my toes as we sail into the busy season. This is the time of year when we learn that Jim Morrison was right. People ARE strange. Still, I will persevere simply because I know no other way.
Mostly though, the silence has been befuddled me trying to figure it all out. Saying the words out loud make them so real, which makes my heart hurt a little. Ok. A lot. A lesson in Karma is what this really is. A lifetime of being a card carrying member of Commitmentphobes Anonymous, the BAM, along comes THE ONE. Instead of kicking off her stilettos and running away, HRG decides that maybe hyphenating her name might not necessarily be a bad thing. Life was good and happy and perfect.
Until LDK changed his mind. About the hyphenating the name thing. He used words like "someday" and "letting things grow" and "natural progression". The very words HRG has used for years and years to avoid making the total commitment. And now here they are, teeth all bright, shiny and sharp, ready to bite me on the ass. Hard. I can hear Fear and Doubt, both still lurking about, whispering "see? we told you this would happen". I love this man in a way I didn't ever think possible and had hoped we were heading in the same direction. I guess we're not, but you know babies, the only other option simply isn't an option. Living this way is better than not being together at all. I don't ever bring up the subject, afraid that mentioning anything to do with it might come across as LDK feeling pressured to do something he obviously doesn't want to do. At least not right now, but maybe someday......
All of this has me to wondering why it is that when the thing we said we didn't want gets taken away, well, it becomes the only thing we can think about? Is it a case of you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone? (nods to Joni Mitchell) You wake up every day wondering if today is "someday". Major and important holidays come and go, and still the question isn't asked in a way that seems heartfelt and true. How do you deal with that sadness and disappointment? How do you hide it? You can't wear your heart on your sleeve all the time. Can you? So many questions, but as we well know babies, this is completely unfamiliar territory for HRG.
And really, wasn't I the one who always said she'd NEVER change her last name again? We're good together, why not leave it at that?
And who knows? Maybe someday.............
HRG
