For everyone who's thinking that HRG now has the perfect life.....
You are so wrong.
Oh, from the outside it looks ideal. Gorgeous man, nice apartment, good job, great kid, incredibly understanding friends....I mean really, who could ask for anything more?
Why is then that I feel so, well, undeserving of it all? In spite of my Pollyanna attitude, I have been looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. He has bad breath. I should be thanking him profusely--instead, I can't help but wonder what the catch is and exactly how long the string attached to all this is. It all feels too good to be true, and in all that, I find myself feeling very inadequate.
Here's the thing: LDK didn't come fresh from the box with no previous attachments, serious or otherwise. Then again, neither did I. What he did come from was a string of blonde, VERY beautiful women. If that's his type, what the hell is doing with me? I am none of those things--not blonde, not beautiful..... In spite of his assurances, it still whispers to me, that voice, that really, all this is just a place for him to start over and HRG will ultimately be replaced by someone blonde, someone beautiful. Then instinct kicks in, and I take a big step back, clutch my heart close and wait for the inevitable. In doing so, I find myself becoming the kind of woman I have always detested--needy and insecure. Full of self-doubt. Unloved and unimportant.
And with that babies, I'm off to hunt down some warm socks. Suddenly my feet are very very cold.
HRG
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
Today
Today was an interesting day. Interesting in that while there was no doubt that memories of that horrific day five short years ago weighed heavy on everyone's mind, no one mentioned it.
It was as if saying it out loud would slash open a wound only freshly healed. Of course the politicians postured, handing out photo-ops and soundbites like candy to the media, while the rest of us quietly went about our business.
I wonder though, if as Canadians we feel smugly grateful that so far no one hates our government enough to commit such an atrocity here. Does that complacency, sense of almost untouchability make us more vulnerable? Could something as terrible happen here? Of course. Will it? Not likely. I refuse to be that paranoid, to live my life in fear and "what-ifs".
You see, if we live that way, building bomb shelters in the backyard, then we are hostages. Except that no terrorist made us that way, we'd end up doing it to ourselves.
HRG
It was as if saying it out loud would slash open a wound only freshly healed. Of course the politicians postured, handing out photo-ops and soundbites like candy to the media, while the rest of us quietly went about our business.
I wonder though, if as Canadians we feel smugly grateful that so far no one hates our government enough to commit such an atrocity here. Does that complacency, sense of almost untouchability make us more vulnerable? Could something as terrible happen here? Of course. Will it? Not likely. I refuse to be that paranoid, to live my life in fear and "what-ifs".
You see, if we live that way, building bomb shelters in the backyard, then we are hostages. Except that no terrorist made us that way, we'd end up doing it to ourselves.
HRG
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Re-thinking The Walk
This morning I sat on the balcony, sipping coffee, listening to the sounds of the city as she stirred, waking to the sunshine, embracing the day. It was so serene babies, and I smiled, thinking how happy I am. Then the churchbells tolled in the distance. They brought to mind weddings and suddenly I couldn't breathe.
Then I realized that I am so not ready to get married. Don't get me wrong, I love LDK more with each passing day--so much so that life before him has become a fuzzy memory. It's wonderfully comfortable, it's everything I ever wanted. It's more than I ever dared even dream. Still, I can't even say the words, instead calling it "sticking our toes in the sand".
It poses the question: If it's so good and comfortable, then why is making it "official" so important? Women have broken the barriers, become doctors, lawyers, even Indian chiefs! Why then, despite all that we've done, how far we've come, we still don't feel completely validated until those oh-so-important vows are spoken? It's like you spent your day saving the world from nuclear destruction, but you're not married, so really you've not really accomplished anything. How can we still allow a simple gold band to determine our self worth?
LDK loves me, I love him back. Isn't that enough? It makes me question why making it legal was so important in the first place. The importance is in the being together.
At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. It's how we Commitmentphobes justify ourselves.
HRG
Then I realized that I am so not ready to get married. Don't get me wrong, I love LDK more with each passing day--so much so that life before him has become a fuzzy memory. It's wonderfully comfortable, it's everything I ever wanted. It's more than I ever dared even dream. Still, I can't even say the words, instead calling it "sticking our toes in the sand".
It poses the question: If it's so good and comfortable, then why is making it "official" so important? Women have broken the barriers, become doctors, lawyers, even Indian chiefs! Why then, despite all that we've done, how far we've come, we still don't feel completely validated until those oh-so-important vows are spoken? It's like you spent your day saving the world from nuclear destruction, but you're not married, so really you've not really accomplished anything. How can we still allow a simple gold band to determine our self worth?
LDK loves me, I love him back. Isn't that enough? It makes me question why making it legal was so important in the first place. The importance is in the being together.
At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. It's how we Commitmentphobes justify ourselves.
HRG
Monday, September 04, 2006
September Morn
...and another morning spent wandering down memory lane..........
Was it really a year ago that I sat here, bewildered, befuddled and crushed? Wheels spinning, but not doing much more than spitting up dust and emotional gravel. MBF turned out to be the man I was afraid he'd be. The man does not have baggage babies, he carries an entire set of Louis Vittone, complete with gps. You know in case he actually lets go of some it. After all what good could possibly come of letting go of old stuff and moving forward, a little lighter and wiser?
apparently no good could come of it at all. HRG's days carrying of someone else's emotional baggage are LONG over my friends. Still, I miss the friendship. "Ah, but HRG" you all remind me "you knew what the cost would be". And you'd be right. It wasn't money well spent.
But in the hurt (and yes, despite all my self-effacing witticisms, the whole MBF thing really did hurt) there was this little warm glimmer of...well, I wasn't sure what it was. It was important though, that much I did know.
It turned out to be much more important that I could've ever imagined. Oh sure, there are two VERY smug people out there who with pleased-with-themselves smiles will tell you they saw it happen before we did. We are forever in their debt.
The settling in process hasn't been too difficult at all. It's been easy, almost too easy, but there are those learned patterns of behaviour rearing up, trying to convince me that if it's worth it, there has to be hard work involved. Is that where it starts to fall apart? You know, your day to day living is good, you're compatible in almost every way, flexible in the ways you're not, and then one day you wake up, wondering if this is it--is that all there is? You've got everything you ever wanted, everything you asked Love (and many full moons) to bring. So now what? Where's the challenge, the spark, the fire? How do you keep it alive? Falling in love is the easy part, staying in love is hard, isn't it?
Can a Commitmentphobe really be cured in ten days with a couple of two day follow ups? There should be a twelve step program, shouldn't there? I'm sure there is--seems to be a support group for everything else, why not this? Come to think of it, there was some talk some time ago about starting such a group. No one could commit to it.
Yeah that's what happened.
HRG
Was it really a year ago that I sat here, bewildered, befuddled and crushed? Wheels spinning, but not doing much more than spitting up dust and emotional gravel. MBF turned out to be the man I was afraid he'd be. The man does not have baggage babies, he carries an entire set of Louis Vittone, complete with gps. You know in case he actually lets go of some it. After all what good could possibly come of letting go of old stuff and moving forward, a little lighter and wiser?
apparently no good could come of it at all. HRG's days carrying of someone else's emotional baggage are LONG over my friends. Still, I miss the friendship. "Ah, but HRG" you all remind me "you knew what the cost would be". And you'd be right. It wasn't money well spent.
But in the hurt (and yes, despite all my self-effacing witticisms, the whole MBF thing really did hurt) there was this little warm glimmer of...well, I wasn't sure what it was. It was important though, that much I did know.
It turned out to be much more important that I could've ever imagined. Oh sure, there are two VERY smug people out there who with pleased-with-themselves smiles will tell you they saw it happen before we did. We are forever in their debt.
The settling in process hasn't been too difficult at all. It's been easy, almost too easy, but there are those learned patterns of behaviour rearing up, trying to convince me that if it's worth it, there has to be hard work involved. Is that where it starts to fall apart? You know, your day to day living is good, you're compatible in almost every way, flexible in the ways you're not, and then one day you wake up, wondering if this is it--is that all there is? You've got everything you ever wanted, everything you asked Love (and many full moons) to bring. So now what? Where's the challenge, the spark, the fire? How do you keep it alive? Falling in love is the easy part, staying in love is hard, isn't it?
Can a Commitmentphobe really be cured in ten days with a couple of two day follow ups? There should be a twelve step program, shouldn't there? I'm sure there is--seems to be a support group for everything else, why not this? Come to think of it, there was some talk some time ago about starting such a group. No one could commit to it.
Yeah that's what happened.
HRG
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