From the bottom of this very groovy heart, thank you babies, for putting up with me for the past eight weeks, for listening to me go on and on and on...or at the very least looking like you were listening.
Much to Mystery Mam's relief, despite Coupledom, I am now and always shall be HRG. You see, this particular cute boy wouldn't want me any other way.
So without further ado, and with much fanfare, I give you the Top Ten List of things that will take some getting used to.....
10. No more couch sleeping.
9. No more drinking milk right out of the jug.
8. Eating real and regular meals. Expect the cereal people to issue Missing posters
with my picture on them. (tip: now would be a very bad time to invest in cereal stock)
7. Sharing the bathroom.
6. Explaining why even though I don't wear much make up, I have SO much of it.
5. Lack of closet space.
4. Explaining why even though my two thirds of the closet is stuffed full, I never
have anything to wear.
3. Explaining why even though I only have two feet, I have so many pairs of shoes.
2. Being happy.
1. Knowing that I am no longer one bad relationship away from owning 30 cats.
Am I ready for this? After all, I do like cats............
HRG
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Here's To.....
.....endings and new beginnings......
Well my babies, it's real. As I sit here, hyperventilating, but only slightly now, LDK has finished packing up and saying goodbye to his friends, his family, his life. He's on his way. Two more sleeps and he's here. He's halfway here, halfway home.
For awhile I did feel bad about "taking" LDK away from everything he's ever known. That he'd willingly step out of his comfort zone, fly without a net, well it speaks volumes to me about the kind of man he is. He's confident, but not cocky, self-assured, but not arrogant, smart, but not a know it all. He reminded me that he was not running from, but rather, moving to. He reminds me of that all the time. I love him for that, and for so many other reasons.
I realize now that this isn't about endings at all! It's about new beginnings, about taking all the lessons learned and finally doing something with the knowledge. This is all about taking steps forward, walking towards an unknown future, together.
Know what? I can't sleep. And I still can't catch my breath.
HRG
Well my babies, it's real. As I sit here, hyperventilating, but only slightly now, LDK has finished packing up and saying goodbye to his friends, his family, his life. He's on his way. Two more sleeps and he's here. He's halfway here, halfway home.
For awhile I did feel bad about "taking" LDK away from everything he's ever known. That he'd willingly step out of his comfort zone, fly without a net, well it speaks volumes to me about the kind of man he is. He's confident, but not cocky, self-assured, but not arrogant, smart, but not a know it all. He reminded me that he was not running from, but rather, moving to. He reminds me of that all the time. I love him for that, and for so many other reasons.
I realize now that this isn't about endings at all! It's about new beginnings, about taking all the lessons learned and finally doing something with the knowledge. This is all about taking steps forward, walking towards an unknown future, together.
Know what? I can't sleep. And I still can't catch my breath.
HRG
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Would Someone PLEASE explain....
......what the hell is wrong with HRG? I'm experiencing feelings I've never felt before and quite frankly my babies, I don't like it. Not one bit. Nu uh. I now know what jealous feels like. I don't like it. Not one bit. It's silly. I'm more secure than that. Aren't I?
The little voice has got to get hoarse and soon or I'll go crazy. I feel Doubt hanging around the door to my heart. At least I know it's there and what it's up to. Fear is peeking in the windows, whispering, trying to convince Doubt to open the door, just a little. Just enough. Letting Fear in this time is not an option. Old patterns of learned behaviour, but gee, they are so hard to unlearn, aren't they? (Mystery Mama, I would most certainly love your input on this)
In five sleeps my entire life is about to change. I love LDK in a way I'd never thought possible, with a depth I didn't even know existed. That he'd give up everything he's known for years and years to come here, to move here, still has me scratching my royally groovy head, but in less than a week he arrives. Lock, stock and barrel. The flashing neon sign above my heart screamed "Enter At Your Own Risk" and still he took the chance and tells me every single day how happy he is. How excited he is about the future, our future. So why am I starting to panic? Is it because I know I have to give up this independence I've clutched so tightly all these years?
And I wonder, does giving up your independence mean giving up your entire self? How do you find the balance?
And why can't I catch my breath?
HRG
The little voice has got to get hoarse and soon or I'll go crazy. I feel Doubt hanging around the door to my heart. At least I know it's there and what it's up to. Fear is peeking in the windows, whispering, trying to convince Doubt to open the door, just a little. Just enough. Letting Fear in this time is not an option. Old patterns of learned behaviour, but gee, they are so hard to unlearn, aren't they? (Mystery Mama, I would most certainly love your input on this)
In five sleeps my entire life is about to change. I love LDK in a way I'd never thought possible, with a depth I didn't even know existed. That he'd give up everything he's known for years and years to come here, to move here, still has me scratching my royally groovy head, but in less than a week he arrives. Lock, stock and barrel. The flashing neon sign above my heart screamed "Enter At Your Own Risk" and still he took the chance and tells me every single day how happy he is. How excited he is about the future, our future. So why am I starting to panic? Is it because I know I have to give up this independence I've clutched so tightly all these years?
And I wonder, does giving up your independence mean giving up your entire self? How do you find the balance?
And why can't I catch my breath?
HRG
Sunday, June 04, 2006
16 Sleeps
There it is. A number. The number of sleeps before LDK arrives. For good. Not for a whirlwind visit, although to be honest HRG's hormones are screaming for him to fly in for the weekend. But that's just my hormones talking and they can be ignored. After all, I did a good job at ignoring them (mostly) for a year. It's just that the sex is SO good babies, and all I want is more more more!!!! But you know, the days are flying by and pretty soon...........
It's been a rough week, but somehow I'm getting through it all. I'll feel much better when my bank account is fat again, but that won't be until tomorrow. What has me so worried is that J is in Europe, with no crown euros in his pocket and nothing to eat. I've barely slept for three days wondering how I can make this work for him, waking up feeling worse because until that cheque is put in my "in" box, there is nothing I can do. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel useless.
I've been feeling a lot like that lately. Several friends are going through such rough times right now and despite HRG's far reaching powers, there is nothing she can do to fix it for them. Everything I say evokes the most negative responses, so much so that I'm afraid to say anything in case it sets off another round of being yelled at. I'm trying to understand where they are and I know I can't completely because I've not experienced it myself, but the counselor in me wants to fix it for them. I can't. I feel like I've let them down somehow. I feel, well, useless.
And a little bit afraid......but just a little. Old patterns of learned behaviour is probably all it is, but that little part of me, the one with the really loud voice, pops up every now and again to tell me that if something seems to good to be true, well then it probably is.
I can feel the fear trying to find a way in. It lurks just outside my heart, waiting for doubt to open the door just a crack so it can slip in, unnoticed, ready to wreak havoc. Is it possible? Can I really commit to one cute boy for the rest of my life? With this cute boy I want to, badly! Or is it that for whatever reason, somewhere deep down inside I believe I don't deserve this happiness, that I don't deserve someone as wonderful as him?
I wonder why that happens. We finally find the happiness we all crave and it turns out we're afraid of it. In a world filled with conflict, feeling stupid happy seems almost, wrong. Or is it because we've become too cynical about love to believe that happily ever after could exist? Have past events embedded themselves so deeply in our psyches that we're convinced it'll all end anyway? There are no guarantees.
And that babies, is what allows that glimmer of Hope to keep doubt from opening that door just a crack, enough to let fear in. No guarantees. It seems to me we're more likely to take care of something that has no guarantee, no expiry date. Something that can't be easily returned and replaced. It's something we like, want to have around for a long time, so we give it the extra care and attention it needs. Sometimes yes, things break down regardless of the care they were given, but sometimes they don't. They last. A long time. A lifetime.
Any lawyer would advise against signing a lifetime contract that had no guarantee. Good thing I don't know any lawyers, isn't it?
HRG
It's been a rough week, but somehow I'm getting through it all. I'll feel much better when my bank account is fat again, but that won't be until tomorrow. What has me so worried is that J is in Europe, with no crown euros in his pocket and nothing to eat. I've barely slept for three days wondering how I can make this work for him, waking up feeling worse because until that cheque is put in my "in" box, there is nothing I can do. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel useless.
I've been feeling a lot like that lately. Several friends are going through such rough times right now and despite HRG's far reaching powers, there is nothing she can do to fix it for them. Everything I say evokes the most negative responses, so much so that I'm afraid to say anything in case it sets off another round of being yelled at. I'm trying to understand where they are and I know I can't completely because I've not experienced it myself, but the counselor in me wants to fix it for them. I can't. I feel like I've let them down somehow. I feel, well, useless.
And a little bit afraid......but just a little. Old patterns of learned behaviour is probably all it is, but that little part of me, the one with the really loud voice, pops up every now and again to tell me that if something seems to good to be true, well then it probably is.
I can feel the fear trying to find a way in. It lurks just outside my heart, waiting for doubt to open the door just a crack so it can slip in, unnoticed, ready to wreak havoc. Is it possible? Can I really commit to one cute boy for the rest of my life? With this cute boy I want to, badly! Or is it that for whatever reason, somewhere deep down inside I believe I don't deserve this happiness, that I don't deserve someone as wonderful as him?
I wonder why that happens. We finally find the happiness we all crave and it turns out we're afraid of it. In a world filled with conflict, feeling stupid happy seems almost, wrong. Or is it because we've become too cynical about love to believe that happily ever after could exist? Have past events embedded themselves so deeply in our psyches that we're convinced it'll all end anyway? There are no guarantees.
And that babies, is what allows that glimmer of Hope to keep doubt from opening that door just a crack, enough to let fear in. No guarantees. It seems to me we're more likely to take care of something that has no guarantee, no expiry date. Something that can't be easily returned and replaced. It's something we like, want to have around for a long time, so we give it the extra care and attention it needs. Sometimes yes, things break down regardless of the care they were given, but sometimes they don't. They last. A long time. A lifetime.
Any lawyer would advise against signing a lifetime contract that had no guarantee. Good thing I don't know any lawyers, isn't it?
HRG
Friday, June 02, 2006
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