Here I Go Again

And so it begins. Another beginning. I think. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it gives me these stupid warm and fuzzy feelings. I find my thoughts drifting to him, I race home after work to check e-mail....all the things I would never do. Who knew that one chance meeting would have us both feeling the same way? Ok, aside from The Fates, who else knew? He said it first. No, it's not a declaration of undying love and devotion, not yet anyway. That always come later.
(just kidding babies, just kidding....) We're not sure exactly what this is, but both know it's something worth finding out.

We knew each other way back when, at an age where most boys found girls to be icky. Then we met up again, briefly, in high school. Coming from a military background pretty much guarantees you'll run into someone you were in school with. Fast forward (mumble mumble) years later and we meet again. The connection was strong and immediate, but you know I blew it off to a passing moment. Those happen on vacation sometimes. It was odd, despite being there with MBF, I was as drawn to him as he was to me. We kept touching each other, but not in a sexual sort of way. It was interesting. He was wearing orange. It's an important color in our belief system.

You see, we share the same set of beliefs and practice the same rituals. That's the thing about who we are, somehow we're always able to recognize a kindred spirit. Our lives have run parallel, another thing that's very interesting.

He is, of course a *K*. The Fates certainly have a wicked sense of humor.

Ah, you ask "but what about MBF?" You know, it's just not there. He is my very best friend and I know he loves me, but, I really do feel like we're Will & Grace. Creatively we're quite a team, as friends we're the best, but is this the man I see myself growing old with? Sadly, no. There's a growing distance between us. TB has, I'm sure, a lot to do with that, but it runs deeper and we both know it. It's sad, but at the end of the day, at least we know. There will never be a lifetime of wondering about what might've been. I can let him go now. It's the right thing to do.

Being a grown-up is so hard sometimes......

HRG

I Should Be In Bed

...but before I hit the rack for the nite......

Went to see Colin James and Bryan Adams tonite. Wow--what a show!!!!!!!!!!! Too bad it took Colin's soundman so friggin' long to get the sound figured out, and he didn't play nearly long enough, but he was great! Then we were treated to 2+ hours of straight ahead, kick ass, rock and roll. Best show I've seen in a long, long time. Really, it was something.

I saw Bryan Adams on his first big tour, more years ago than I'll admit to. Ok, so it was like 25 years ago. He was opening for a great Canadian act, Loverboy. Both bands were managed by the infamous Bruce Allen (side note: f**k you Mr. Allen, chicks can so rock) and he teamed them up for the road. Adams was young, hungry and great. I remember he wore jeans and a white t-shirt. This time he wore jeans and a black t-shirt. He hasn't lost his voice at all. All these years later and babies, he still has it, in a big way. Definitely one talented and sexy guy. Yup, he's a cute boy all the way.

One more thing that's worth mentioning before I toddle off to bed......

I sat in section 114, seat 24 .....in row K.

These are indeed the K's of my life.........

'Nite my babies, sweet dreams.

HRG

Guilty Pleasures

American Idol auditions are on. They are absolutely freakin' hilarious. That some of these, hell MOST of these people think they can sing is worth the cost of the pepto-bismal. Anything is palatable with the pink drink. Even American Idol.

Barely.

HRG

That Same Old Feeling (cue music)

At last the sun shines here on Fantasy Island! Twenty eight days of relentless rain. Thing is, now that the sun has returned, what do we do with the Ark we'd started building? I have a feeling we'll need when the spring rains arrive. But for now, the sun is shining and HRG finally managed to get a decent nite's sleep.

Had dinner with MBF (Mystery Mama, would you be so kind as to cue the music please?). We all know he's a very cute boy, but he's not for me. I just don't feel it. It's comfortable and he does try so hard these days--brings flowers, cooks great meals, picks up little things he knows I'd like. In short, the perfect man. Except for that one and so important thing. There is zero chemistry. It was a foolish thing to do in the first place. Luckily, the rain re-filled the moat, the sharks are breeding, my life jacket nowhere to be found. It's better that way.

Question: Do I tell him now, or just wait until he leaves? Is it fair to live a lie for 8 weeks?
(DTVCB, I'd be really interested in your take on this--conversation for a very long
lunch)

In other news, TB is back with a vengeance and now lives half time with MBF. The other half time is with TxBF (the ex b/f--another K). For that reason alone, I must step back from both of them. Letting myself get caught up in this crap again will only undo all the emotional healing that's happened over the past year. Remember Cruella DeVille? She's baa-aack. And this time she doesn't feel guilty at all. Mwhahahahaha....

E-mails with someone from my past have been flowing fast and furious lately. I have to admit, it's fun getting re-acquainted this way. Of course, true to type, he's a K too. It's not all hearts and flowers, although Friday nite he did e-mail from his Blackberry while he was out with friends. Just to say hi. That's kind of cool. Yes, ok, my tummy might've done a flip flop or two, but really babies, I do know better and am being very cautious. I promise.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the moat needs tending.....

HRG

Confessions of a Commitmentphobe

Welcome to 2006 my babies! Have you made your New Year's resolutions? Me either. We'll call it a New Year's realization that has only one resolution. (ooooh how mysterious is that?)

Might as well come right out and say it. I am a Commitmentphobe. The thought scares me death. Oh I know I said I swore off cute boys forever, but....

I used to think it was merely self-protection, this commitmentphobia thing. After giving my heart away for the very first time, then having it dropped and smashed into a bajillion pieces at my feet, I promised myself I would NEVER ever ever give my whole heart away again. Doling out pieces was much easier. Putting the small pieces back in, no matter what condition they were returned in, seemed an easier task. But I was young and hearts heal when you are. Memories are shorter and fade quickly. What's that old saying? Oh, if it happens once, then shame on them, happens twice, then shame on you (or something like that). Shame on me. It's been a series of *relationships* ever since. Each time choosing the wrong man, convinced I could fix him, or choosing someone who ultimately could've been the one and running away before he could hurt me. It's a horrible way to live, with all that mistrust.

So here's MBF who has done all the things to repair the damage done, who treats me like a queen, who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, who's offering all the things he promised he'd deliver. It's all I ever wanted, except that now that I have it, well, I'm not so sure it's what I want. There's always this feeling that the one is right around the corner, waiting. No matter what, I can't seem to shake the feeling. I can't help but wonder though, is it a feeling, or just simply fear that keeps me from giving my all to one cute boy?

I think I need to sleep on this........

HRG