Ok, so it didn't happen exactly like in the dream, and really kinda hasn't really happened yet, but.....after two very difficult days with MBF, on the drive here (visiting friends for a couple of days) he apologizes for being so incredibly *krusty* and then starts with *the* talk. The one that scares the hell out of me. You know which one babies. The one in which the *M* word is mentioned, many many times.
A year ago wasn't I stuck in a dead relationship and wanting to be with MBF? Why now that it's tangible, that the thing actually might happen, the words said, the question asked, why am I scared to death? Why do I know now that this is exactly what I don't want? Why would I be making coffee, dinner, and yes even a Harley date with cute boys if I knew MBF was really *the* guy for me?
Sigh.....there is no easy answer here....
That said, I'm visiting friends for a couple of days respite. Midge (I can use a whole name here 'coz it's her nickname, therefore acceptable) and I have been friends for what feels like forever. Got to see her for a short while the last time I was here, but it wasn't for long enough. Turns out she had an appointment this afternoon that couldn't be cancelled. So, she saw my stress, fed me advil liqui-gels and coffee, ran a hot bubble bath, lit candles, brought out a *treat* her hubby so thoughtfully rolled, er, I mean, left for me, and said she'd be back later. Ahhhhhh. Only your oldest friends can look at you and just know what you need. It's hard for HRG to let someone take care of her, she can do things for herself thankyouverymuch, but you know babies, today there was no arguing. Midge knew just what to do to help me pass the time. I really do feel better. Relaxed for the first time in a week. Wow.
The trip goes well, mostly. Despite my whining, it hasn't been all that bad. I've met some great people, including several cute boys (of course--it is my vacation you know) and have that Harley ride to look forward to.
I have a feeling Monday's lunch will be long and hilarious. I hope it's a nice day. What am I saying? I'll be home, having lunch with a very cute boy. It'll be a nice day.
HRG
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
Getting rid of the spam
...also means it might be difficult to post a reply now. Goddamn spammers.
Feeling kind of out of sorts today, sad, even tho I promised myself I wouldn't let this get to me, well, I still do. Why does it bother me so much to hear that what happened with this other woman meant *nothing*, yet here we are, five months later, MBF swearing up and down that he loves me and wants a life with me, and still......nothing.....
What bothers me is that I can't figure out why this bothers me so much. Funny thing, the old ego gets fed and all it takes to bring up all those feelings of inadequacy is the rejection I feel from MBF. There's a great line from a really old song--"you can't have it both ways, it's no way to live, you've done all the taking, it's your turn to give".
Despite being so close to MBF for all these years, I'm finally seeing him for who and what he is. For all his talk, when you get down to it, the only person he really cares about is himself. Everything is fine as long as it's all about him. Even last nite, when I was feeling so great after playing so well, the talk all the way back was about how it made HIM feel. How well HE played. With the perfunctory "you sounded great as usual" tossed in, but with no real feeling. I'm not sure why he is that way, and yes babies, I realize that it's kind of, well, sick, that I allow myself to put in this position. In a few short days tho, I'll be back home, able to separate it all again. I've already started the letting go--seems I've had to do alot of that this year--but in my heart, I know it's for the best. It'd be so nice to someday hear that I actually matter to someone.
Ok, enough--the rain is making me semi-mental and stupid. I will get over it. I will stop whining.
Besides, there are many cute boys here and a Harley ride to look forward to. At least that's something, right? Right?
HRG
Feeling kind of out of sorts today, sad, even tho I promised myself I wouldn't let this get to me, well, I still do. Why does it bother me so much to hear that what happened with this other woman meant *nothing*, yet here we are, five months later, MBF swearing up and down that he loves me and wants a life with me, and still......nothing.....
What bothers me is that I can't figure out why this bothers me so much. Funny thing, the old ego gets fed and all it takes to bring up all those feelings of inadequacy is the rejection I feel from MBF. There's a great line from a really old song--"you can't have it both ways, it's no way to live, you've done all the taking, it's your turn to give".
Despite being so close to MBF for all these years, I'm finally seeing him for who and what he is. For all his talk, when you get down to it, the only person he really cares about is himself. Everything is fine as long as it's all about him. Even last nite, when I was feeling so great after playing so well, the talk all the way back was about how it made HIM feel. How well HE played. With the perfunctory "you sounded great as usual" tossed in, but with no real feeling. I'm not sure why he is that way, and yes babies, I realize that it's kind of, well, sick, that I allow myself to put in this position. In a few short days tho, I'll be back home, able to separate it all again. I've already started the letting go--seems I've had to do alot of that this year--but in my heart, I know it's for the best. It'd be so nice to someday hear that I actually matter to someone.
Ok, enough--the rain is making me semi-mental and stupid. I will get over it. I will stop whining.
Besides, there are many cute boys here and a Harley ride to look forward to. At least that's something, right? Right?
HRG
Spam spam spam spam
Holy Crap--11 posted replies to the last post, all of them garbage. Had to know it was a matter of time before the morons figured that out. Of course, they figured it out before I thought they would, so maybe they're slightly retarded morons. With too much time on their hands.
So far, dear readers (get well vibes to Mystery Mama), this trip has been pretty cool. Have more than met my share of cute boys. MBF's party was a success, much fun, and alcohol, was had by almost all. MBF finally drifted off around 5 a.m., a contented smile on his face.
And now I've seen how happy and relaxed he is here. He's been incredibly attentive, and yes, even PUBLICLY attentive. He's introduced me to everyone as his *girlfriend* which I'm not quite sure about, but you know, if it makes him feel better, then really, who am I to argue?
What can't be argued now is the importance of MBF coming *home*. He has little time left with his Mum, he must be here. These times will be become so incredibly precious to him, he's been a given the rare gift of time. To refuse it could only ultimately lead to resentment. He says differently, but I know if the situation were reversed, I'd be coming back in a heartbeat. Right now his folks need him more than I do.
Of course all this makes me wonder if the public displays of affection are for show or to make the separation easier. All this is made that much harder to understand given that at his party, I met a girl MBF had talked about three years ago. A twinge of jealousy yes, although to his credit , MBF did head her off at the pass, made clear his feelings about *us*, and she was actually quite sweet. She backed off right away which was cool, and she didn't play the hey-she's-not-looking game. What does make this so unsettling is I know he *hooked up* with her back then. He still won't *hook up* with me. But I guess in a little while it won't much matter anymore, so there's no use in getting my knickers in a knot. Hey, I'm learning.
There are many more stories to tell, and more waiting to be told. Stories about music, and motorcycles. Both involving very cute boys.
And a tour on a Harley. Life is good.
HRG
So far, dear readers (get well vibes to Mystery Mama), this trip has been pretty cool. Have more than met my share of cute boys. MBF's party was a success, much fun, and alcohol, was had by almost all. MBF finally drifted off around 5 a.m., a contented smile on his face.
And now I've seen how happy and relaxed he is here. He's been incredibly attentive, and yes, even PUBLICLY attentive. He's introduced me to everyone as his *girlfriend* which I'm not quite sure about, but you know, if it makes him feel better, then really, who am I to argue?
What can't be argued now is the importance of MBF coming *home*. He has little time left with his Mum, he must be here. These times will be become so incredibly precious to him, he's been a given the rare gift of time. To refuse it could only ultimately lead to resentment. He says differently, but I know if the situation were reversed, I'd be coming back in a heartbeat. Right now his folks need him more than I do.
Of course all this makes me wonder if the public displays of affection are for show or to make the separation easier. All this is made that much harder to understand given that at his party, I met a girl MBF had talked about three years ago. A twinge of jealousy yes, although to his credit , MBF did head her off at the pass, made clear his feelings about *us*, and she was actually quite sweet. She backed off right away which was cool, and she didn't play the hey-she's-not-looking game. What does make this so unsettling is I know he *hooked up* with her back then. He still won't *hook up* with me. But I guess in a little while it won't much matter anymore, so there's no use in getting my knickers in a knot. Hey, I'm learning.
There are many more stories to tell, and more waiting to be told. Stories about music, and motorcycles. Both involving very cute boys.
And a tour on a Harley. Life is good.
HRG
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Once again, my bags are packed
But I'm not quite ready to go. A few more *last minute* things into the suitcase and then it's zoom zoom zoom off we go. Destination? Why the Centre of the Universe of course. Fitting that would be where MBF would want to be. All life as we know it revolves around him.
I'm not really looking forward to this holiday. Oh I was, but, it feels different now. Or maybe it's because I feel different about MBF than I have over the past 6 years. Now that the blush is off the rose, I realize that he is so self-absorbed that he just doesn't see, or doesn't care to see, that others have feelings and maybe even (gasp!) intelligent opinions to offer up. However, I will play out the charade and make my escape to see my old friends for a few days. That's the one part of this trip I'm looking forward to. The party for MBF's big b/day will be a huge success, but knowing him, well, he'll find something to complain about. Somehow, no matter what we do, it won't be enough. I lived with that for all those years with TBF, I won't live with it for the rest of my life. Gawd, here's hoping that something I dreamt doesn't come true.....
Of course there are upsides to this trip. Lunch with a cute boy who I'll be buying product for the store from. Old friends who thought I looked great the last time will be amazed at the *new* me. The last time I saw them was just after I'd finished treatment and was getting better. Well babies, I'm better now. Might as well dazzle them with my incredible grooviness. MBF's party will be filled with many cute boys--musicians to boot. A chance to hook up with an old flame. Time spent wandering Kensington Market and some groovy boutiques in East York. That and a trip to the place where I spent my teens. That outta be interesting. To say the least.
But for now, I must finish up around here. The cab will be here at 10:15. I will get through this, with a smile on my face.
And the Oscar goes to...........
HRG
I'm not really looking forward to this holiday. Oh I was, but, it feels different now. Or maybe it's because I feel different about MBF than I have over the past 6 years. Now that the blush is off the rose, I realize that he is so self-absorbed that he just doesn't see, or doesn't care to see, that others have feelings and maybe even (gasp!) intelligent opinions to offer up. However, I will play out the charade and make my escape to see my old friends for a few days. That's the one part of this trip I'm looking forward to. The party for MBF's big b/day will be a huge success, but knowing him, well, he'll find something to complain about. Somehow, no matter what we do, it won't be enough. I lived with that for all those years with TBF, I won't live with it for the rest of my life. Gawd, here's hoping that something I dreamt doesn't come true.....
Of course there are upsides to this trip. Lunch with a cute boy who I'll be buying product for the store from. Old friends who thought I looked great the last time will be amazed at the *new* me. The last time I saw them was just after I'd finished treatment and was getting better. Well babies, I'm better now. Might as well dazzle them with my incredible grooviness. MBF's party will be filled with many cute boys--musicians to boot. A chance to hook up with an old flame. Time spent wandering Kensington Market and some groovy boutiques in East York. That and a trip to the place where I spent my teens. That outta be interesting. To say the least.
But for now, I must finish up around here. The cab will be here at 10:15. I will get through this, with a smile on my face.
And the Oscar goes to...........
HRG
Friday, August 19, 2005
Sometimes She Cries
The title of my new favorite *old* song. One of those tunes that really hits close to home. Too close sometimes. I wonder, is it just musicians who live through songs? If music can calm the savage beast, why can it make you so sad?
Once again I find myself spinning my wheels, wondering where the hell I'm going. The Fates have shown me two possible futures. Which do I choose? There's no easy answer here. Either choice still comes with it's own set of problems, and I've never been particularly good at math.
But onto other things babies. HRG's first buying trip was actually enjoyable. I loved every minute of the very long days. So much to see, so much to consider, so many pretty and shiny things to buy. With someone else's money. We spent the first three days at the Congress Centre. Holy crap. It's gianormous! Half a million square feet. Seriously. I wasn't tired until reading the marquee and realized that we walked half....a....million....square....feet....everyday.
Wanna bet I'm the only person who quit smoking and lost weight? All that walking. And shopping.
Of course, me being me, no trip would be complete without having met and flirted with several very cute boys. One of whom I have a "business lunch" date with next week. I'll be in the same town, might as well check out the showroom, write part of the trip off and bask in the attention of a very cute boy. A very cute boy who'll be buying lunch. He'll be a nice distraction. These days HRG needs all the distraction she can get.
These days I'd almost say yes to a walk by the water.
I must be losing my mind.
HRG
Once again I find myself spinning my wheels, wondering where the hell I'm going. The Fates have shown me two possible futures. Which do I choose? There's no easy answer here. Either choice still comes with it's own set of problems, and I've never been particularly good at math.
But onto other things babies. HRG's first buying trip was actually enjoyable. I loved every minute of the very long days. So much to see, so much to consider, so many pretty and shiny things to buy. With someone else's money. We spent the first three days at the Congress Centre. Holy crap. It's gianormous! Half a million square feet. Seriously. I wasn't tired until reading the marquee and realized that we walked half....a....million....square....feet....everyday.
Wanna bet I'm the only person who quit smoking and lost weight? All that walking. And shopping.
Of course, me being me, no trip would be complete without having met and flirted with several very cute boys. One of whom I have a "business lunch" date with next week. I'll be in the same town, might as well check out the showroom, write part of the trip off and bask in the attention of a very cute boy. A very cute boy who'll be buying lunch. He'll be a nice distraction. These days HRG needs all the distraction she can get.
These days I'd almost say yes to a walk by the water.
I must be losing my mind.
HRG
Monday, August 15, 2005
Spam spam everywhere
....and it's not the Monty Python kind. Sigh. Had to set the bottom post to accept no replies. But HRG you wail, how will I reply to that post? Well babies, until I figure out how to block people....can you believe there was a reply to the My Bags Are Packed post and that it was SPAM??!!! Grrrrrr......
I'm back, lunched out and caught up and ready to face the world again. The trip was good, but very long and HRG got no time alone at all. She did however, give up the demon cigarettes in favor of the occasional cigar. Yup. I did it. Already I notice the change in my skin, and the change in my singing voice was obvious at the gig on the weekend. It's hard, but I know I made the right decision.
Speaking of decisions...seems like one has been made for me. MBF is going back. I don't know when, but as of midnite, that was his intention......
I'm not sure how I feel about this. Just like I'm not sure how I feel about the two wonderful kisses that happened at the gig, except to say I've been floating on air ever since. HTBP has the most wonderful kiss. Now I'm liking him even more....
What's a confused HRG to do?
HRG
I'm back, lunched out and caught up and ready to face the world again. The trip was good, but very long and HRG got no time alone at all. She did however, give up the demon cigarettes in favor of the occasional cigar. Yup. I did it. Already I notice the change in my skin, and the change in my singing voice was obvious at the gig on the weekend. It's hard, but I know I made the right decision.
Speaking of decisions...seems like one has been made for me. MBF is going back. I don't know when, but as of midnite, that was his intention......
I'm not sure how I feel about this. Just like I'm not sure how I feel about the two wonderful kisses that happened at the gig, except to say I've been floating on air ever since. HTBP has the most wonderful kiss. Now I'm liking him even more....
What's a confused HRG to do?
HRG
Friday, August 05, 2005
My Bags Are packed
...and I'm ready to go. Sort of. Here's hoping I don't forget to pack the stuff I'll need to use before I leave. I've done that before. I need a personal assistant to do these things for me. a cute boy of course. Are there any other kind?
Cute boys continue to be the bane of HRG's existence. I'm mad about one cute boy in particular, but of course he's in the process of getting untangled, therefore, off limits. For the time being anyway. But geez babies, I really do like this guy. Probably too much.
But I digress. Really I'd just wanted to remind you all that I'll be away until late next week. My first buying trip. Shopping with someone else's money. I've died and gone to HRG heaven. I hope they have cute boys there.
What am I saying? It's my heaven, of course the boys are cute. And available. Hey, if you're gonna dream it, dream it big.
HRG
Cute boys continue to be the bane of HRG's existence. I'm mad about one cute boy in particular, but of course he's in the process of getting untangled, therefore, off limits. For the time being anyway. But geez babies, I really do like this guy. Probably too much.
But I digress. Really I'd just wanted to remind you all that I'll be away until late next week. My first buying trip. Shopping with someone else's money. I've died and gone to HRG heaven. I hope they have cute boys there.
What am I saying? It's my heaven, of course the boys are cute. And available. Hey, if you're gonna dream it, dream it big.
HRG
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