The Countdown begins

In about a month we have to move. Seems we're all going in separate directions now.
J wants to stay out here and be closer to school. He'll stay with friends. Part of me wants to let him, the other part of me feels SO guilty. Am I that bad a mother that he can't wait to get away? Maybe it's selfish making his decision about me, but the thought is there, niggling in the back of my mind. It's unfair to ask him to make the same commute I'm moving into town to get away from. At the same time, J is really all I have and without him, well, I'm truly alone. Then my heart breaks a little more.

The BF and I know this is the end of at least our living together. Everyday I feel him draw further away, and I know it's a self-protection thing. I know this because I do exactly the same thing. This break won't be neat and clean, it'll be more like pulling a band-aid off a hairy leg. Slowly.

Still, the hesitation is there. Should we give it one more try or just bury the dead horse? Time alone for each of us is a good thing. BF and TB will be able to spend more time together. TB wants to be with his dad when I'm not around. They should be able to do that. Building a relationship is so important for the both of them. Who knows? Maybe BF will actually get custody of TB. It would be good for both of them. They might even find the happiness they both so badly crave. Maybe we all will.

For right now though, even gravol won't make the queasiness go away......if this is what seasick feels like, remind me to never go on a cruise. I'd rather keep my head in the clouds.

Another semi-mental Sunday

Here we are, the day before Valentine's. BF left chocolates and a card even tho Valentine's is tomorrow. It was nice, and I feel like a total shit because I just don't love him anymore. Not in the way you should love someone you want to spend the rest with your life with anyway. I care for him, care about him, but it's not enough. It's dishonest and wrong.

Onto other things.......

"When was the last time you were really, truly kissed?"

August 2000. It was a kiss good-bye. Sad, sweet, soulful. Amazing really. Made me weak in the knees. Sometimes when I touch my lips I can still feel it. And when I see *him* it all comes back in a flood of memories. The smell, his hair so soft........oh I didn't want it to end. It had to though. A matter of right place, wrong time. Baggage piled a mile high between us, so many unresolved issues, so much hurt and anger. Ah, but the kiss.............the kiss...........

This always happens after a gig. All those feelings come out onstage and then just hang in the air like I should do something with them. I can't though. I just carry them like an albatross and try hard not to let anyone see that what happens onstage is more than just a show.

I also have to stop myself from reading too too much into all of it. How much of it is just MBF acting for the show and how much of it is real? Is it wishful thinking? MBF is far too kind a man to make me feel like a bigger fool than I already do. I want to believe his heart is as much mine as mine is his. Sometimes I think it is. Other times I'm not so sure. Truth is, no matter how many times I examine this, it's been the same for at least 4 years. We're tied together, through music, through this incredibly special thing we have. No matter what's happened, we're never too far away from each other. Sometimes it feels like there's no escape. What I know is that I have never ever been this comfortable with someone. Not ever.

And I like it.

HRG

Sunday Stuff

Go you big hairy Patriots! Watched the game today, and to his credit BF actually watched the whole game with me. He even put stuff together for dinner. On his own. Seriously. These are the *make up* times that always happen after the *dark* times. I know he's trying and I should be a little nicer to him sometimes. The distance between us grows more everyday, and it's mostly my fault. I feel so torn between doing the right thing and doing what's right for me.
I keep hoping it'll be BF who suggests we find separate places, but I know that won't happen.

Things with MBF haven't changed. The line we said we wouldn't cross has been turned into a moat complete with alligators. Just to be on the safe side.

On a sad note, we lost another music friend this week. Hoss was a good bass player and more importantly, a good man. Well-liked and respected, he'll be missed. I hope he keeps his word and when he sees Barry, he punches him. Hard. It's true what they say, if there's a rock and roll heaven, you know they've got a hell of a band. Hoss on bass, Barry on guitar, Ed on drums and Diggs on sax......now that'd be a gig.

The new job is fabulous!!! There's so much to learn and I'm doing alright, but there's so much to learn. Thankfully I'm a pretty quick study. Did I mention there's so much to learn? On the upside, despite having been told I'd have a 90 day probationary period, my business cards arrived. Two weeks after I started. Despite my misgivings, I must be doing alright. This job is the best thing to come along in a very long time. It's nice to have something to look forward to again.

Now if I could just get the rest of my life together, it would be all good. Anyone up for helping me put the pieces together should probably seek psychiatric care. Seriously.

Watched That Thing You Do again today. Great question from the movie: "when was the last time you were truly, really, kissed?"

I'll think about it and get back to you.

HRG