Day 14

Well, it's been two weeks since I walked off the job. And I am bored.
Bored. Bored. Bored. Did I mention I'm bored? Oh sure, there are probably a bajillion things I could be doing, working out, riding my bike, oh here's a thought, looking for a new job....but somehow I can't find the energy to do any of it. Yesterday I started re-seeding the lawn. You know, I could've picked a cooler day to do it, but nooooo, I had to pick what's been the hottest day of the year so far. 31.8C at the airport! That's hot when you consider our airport is right on the ocean and it's always cooler out there than out here.
It's already warm and I am wishing I could've had the car today--there's a fabulous beach about an hour's drive from here--clean, relatively quiet and it's lake water, not sea water, which makes running in to cool off a great option. Maybe we'll do that tomorrow.
I think the step-son is here for the weekend. Does it make me a bad person wo want to be anywhere else but here for the weekend? More on that later.....

But for now, I think I'll go putter around in the gardens.......

Chronicles of the Unemployed

This is really cool, a place to put my stuff so I'm not carrying it all inside all the time. I haven't decided yet whether I should share this with anyone, but then again, it's the internet, I may not have a choice. An assumed risk.

Today marks day 12 of my recent unemployment. By choice I might add.
Not a spur of the moment choice, it was a now or never decision. If I'd gone to my boss, he'd have given me the time off I needed, but ultimately, he'd had convinced me to stay. And I couldn't. It's said that money isn't everything, but you know, when you're putting in 55 to 60 hours a week, the paycheque at the end of it all really should reflect the work you've done. Not in this case. This company pays the lowest "junior" management wage in the industry. It's disheartening to think that your staff make more than you do. Time for a career change I thought.

So, here I sit, not sure what I want to do, but knowing I must do something, soon. Not that I don't like being at home, having time to do a bajillion projects (now would be a good time to mention that I have a really hard time sitting still) and spending tons of time with my family. I do. But....well money is everything, and we can't live on one paycheque. My Dad thinks I should take the summer off. I told him to send my inheritence early and I would. I may very well end up working at Starbucks.

Being semi-mental

Today my son turns...well....if I say it out loud, I'll feel old. It's enough to say he's one year away from graduating high school. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear my hair turn grey. I watched him leave for school this morning, just one more week to freedom (his words). Just for a split second I saw him not as the young man he's become, but the child he was. From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to the Sex Pistols--how far he's come! How much he's grown! A foot taller than his Mum and much wiser than I was at that age. I have a feeling the truths we learned at 17 are completely different. Mine were more among the Janis Ian lessons (I learned the truth at 17 that love was meant for beauty queens). I'm so proud to see he's everything at this age that I wasn't. I was shy, FAT and the kid at school who everyone picked on. J isn't afraid to be his own person, if anything, he bucks trends and cannot tolerate shallow people. I guess some of things I've tried to instill in him over the years have gotten through. That's the best we can hope for.

Still, I long for the days when he was a child, holding onto my hand, being the "man" of the house, loving me "this much behind", unless he was mad, in which case he only loved me "this much beside". And I worry. Did the mistakes I made leave an impression? In my own quest for stability and happiness, did I sacrifice his? Are there resentments hidden deep inside him? Maybe someday he'll forgive me for being a wing-nut when he was younger, and hopefully he'll understand I was only trying to do my best, to give him the best home, the best schools, and the best love I could. I grew up with indifferent parents, I never wanted that for him. J knew hugs and cuddles and laughter and a Mum who would move mountains to make things right for him. We all want for our kids the things we never had. I hope he knows this. It's the best I can hope for.

Happy Birthday "Boo Dude"--I never thought it was possible to love you more than I did the first time I looked in your eyes--the years have proven that wrong. You make me proud almost everyday, and when the time comes to untie these apron strings and let you loose to discover your own world, I can only hope I have the strength to let you go.........

Catching up to the new millenium

Remember when keeping a diary was a personal and private thing? You'd keep your tattered little book, complete with lock that could be opened with a bobby pin by a determined younger brother, tucked safely (or so you thought--back to the bobby pin and little brother thing) in the back of your closet. Every nite, well most every nite, there are times, believe it or not, when a teenaged girl really doesn't have anything to say, you'd pour out your feelings, how you hated your parents, school, and well, just about everything. Everything except that gorgeous guy in your science class. He'd be referred to by a single initial. You'd swear you'd love him forever....now you find the diary tossed carelessly at the bottom of a box you'd thought you'd lost during the last move, and can't for the life of you remember him.

But thanks to the internet, you can put it out there for all to see, thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, heartaches, everything remotely personal....does the internet makes us more voyeuristic? Yes. And thus begins my own diary--put out there for all to see.....

I think I might have too much time on my hands........